Evolution

Trazodone and Cipralex; y u no help?!

After that last breakdown, I feel as though a piece of me is just ....gone.  Like I've been shot in the head and a part of who I am has died.  The part of me that felt motivation and was able to motivate and inspire the rest of me is gone and I can't seem to find it....I'm so frustrated.   I don't want to believe that all that's left of me is all there ever will be....I'm terrified of not having any fire in me again.  There's no more spunk; I feel tired and anxious all of the time.  I'm not me....I'm someone else who I don't even know.  I don't understand what's left.  I'm afraid to document these feelings because what if I lose anyone else in my life, or what if the way I feel is only temporary?  What if I'm worried about nothing?  ....but then again, I'm more afraid that this version of me is really all that's left after I snapped a few weeks ago....or could it just be the medication I'm on?  I don't know; all I do know is that I'm not someone I know.  I feel like I've been placed into someone else's life and I'm expected to fill their role and I just have a script to go by....with their costume and makeup....I don't like this feeling of uncertainty.  I feel as though everyone knows more than I do and I'm lost with a poorly-drawn map.  I still love my children, my dog and the people I loved before, so that's good....I just need to find my fuse, I guess.  Maybe some more exercise will help....I hope so.  And I think I should nix these pills....they are taking away more than they're giving. 

Adopting two puppies at once

http://www.whole-dog-journal.com/issues/13_1/features/Problems-Adopting-Two-Puppies-At-Once_16190-1.html?pg=3&zkPrintable=1&nopagination=1

Pascal's wager

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pascal's_Wager

<3

In losing my heart to him, I am finding a better part of myself. J is the best type of person....a good friend and so unbelievably kind.  I didn't believe that anyone like him could possibly exist. 
With respect to the love he has shown me and the optimism he has brought into my life, I must not give up on myself and render any of his efforts with me in vain.  It's long past time for me to earn my own respect.  I need that before I can expect it from anyone else again.
This is the beginning of moving forward. 
If I have lost his heart for good, I can't let that be the end of me.  And while I firmly believe that J deserves the best of everything, I need to continue to work toward becoming the type of person who deserves the best as well. 

New Life

I don't know what the new me will be
The old me had to go.
I'm not myself any more; of this I am glad.
I need to learn to be ok with sometimes feeling sad.
....keeping in mind that good feelings will eventually come.
....no longer drowning my sorrows in copious amounts of beer and rum.
Facing things for what they are in fact
Handling my problems with wisdom and tact.
Weathering life's storms instead of hiding from the rain
Relying on my inner strength to get through my pain.
Considering the feelings of others before I act....
Carefully weighing my options before I react.
Time to rise like a phoenix with life anew
....repair whatever damage I've done to me and you.

I think my guts are melting.

So I could have deleted any and all incriminating phone messages and texts like a more savvy cheater....I could have paid more attention in my high school drama classes so that I would be a much more convincing liar....I could have put more effort into locating a Delorean, a Mr. Fusion and a flux capacitor for my time machine....or I COULD HAVE NOT BEEN SUCH A SCARED LITTLE WENCH AND BROKE THINGS OFF  UNEQUIVOCALLY AND ASKED IF SHE UNDERSTOOD WHAT I HAD TOLD HER  MY GODD; WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!!! I revered the Amazon chick I briefly dated after J and I broke up the first time....she's beautiful,  intelligent and generous, but she's thick as a brick!  And malicious as fuck!!!!  I don't know what she told J.... (he went through my phone and got her info and had messaged her)....he is under the impression that Amazon and I were still involved sexually with each other after our relationship was back on again.  I told that wench that I couldn't be with her anymore.  I told her I was still in love with J....she knew this!  Now she's trying to get back at me by being bitchy with me and lying to him.  But I guess I deserve it, because I cheated on J in ancient times with the guy I was dealing with before him.  I need to stop beating myself up about this. In the future, I should stick to my thing of not dating anyone until I am sure that I am over the person from before.  I can't handle residual feelings.  I was so ashamed for having residual feelings for the ex before J and I didn't know how to tell J that I wasn't over the ex.  But then like an IDIOT I hung out with the ex as though nothing would come of it. Of course he and I still had fire for each other. I should have stayed away after I tried to be with J. Then the fling with May....that was obviously just a fling of convenience. She was very interesting and beautiful, she comforted me a bit.... I tried to comfort her about how she felt about her ex and how she felt about her looks, only to be met with "oh but I need him in my life....I know he treated me like shit but he's so wiiiiiiiiise and conscious.....he's right; I *am* genetically inferior because I'm a redhead and I have a skin disease I can't help and I can't stand in the sun for more than a minute and I *am* fat and will always see myself that way....you couldn't *possibly* understand....I'm only beautiful when I wear a shit ton of makeup, so shut the fuck up because I'm NOT pretty at ALL...." etc....there was so much more.  The self-loathing was so strong with that one.  

Now this chick is going to act as though she knew nothing about my feelings for J.  She's trying to cover her monumental ass by telling J that I never mentioned him.  Why though?   I was NOT WITH J WHEN SHE AND I WERE  TOGETHER; IS SHE STUPID?!  It doesn't surprise me....actually, she quite possibly might not have heard a single thing I said while I was seeing her because god KNOWS THAT WOMAN NEVER SHUTS UPPP!!!! She talks ten times as much as she listens and that was *THE MOST* frustrating thing about dealing with her.  And you couldn't correct her about anything.  She couldn't HEAR YOU OVER HER OWN INCESSANT CHATTER, HOLY FUCK!!!!  

Anyway, I don't usually throw people under busses, but I have nothing to lose now and since I'm all about honesty the way that junk-food gorging witch is all about datt bass, and this is my blog, I'm telling it like it is without apology.  

Now J is bopping around town believing whatever stuff and nonsense M told him in her little fit of jealousy.  

In future, I will give myself time to get over an ex. I will NEVER again deal with someone who talks too much and doesn't listen, and I most certainly won't be dealing with anyone who is so jealous that they'd prefer the lies of a scorned ex-girlfriend than whatever truth comes from me. 

It's like every time I deal with someone,  there's a new laundry list of shit to nope the fuck away from. I guess that's life though, and it's a good idea to learn and carry whatever lesson has been learned forward.  Soon there'll be no one left for me to date lololl....

Right now, I know for sure that I am manic. And I am afraid of what I might do if my anguish over this situation becomes too great for me to bare.  I need to move the fuck on from this chapter before I do something I won't even live to regret.  

It feels a bit better to have purged all of this from my soul.  

No one benefits from me continuing to emotionally flog myself. 

 

Something something.

:O......:).......;).......#:-s.......:*.......<3........:D.........</3........:'(.......>:O........:(.........:s.........:&..........X_X.........=-c.........:s.........:*..........<3.... </3.... ಠ_ಠ....✨ :O......:).......;).......#:-s.......:*.......<3........:D.........</3........:'(.......>:O........:(.........:s.........:&..........X_X.........=-c.........:s.........:*..........<3.... </3.... ಠ_ಠ....✨

Eventually I will be ok.
One way or another, either because I've moved on from this dark place in life, or death takes me, my body will stop reacting so strongly to thoughts of him and I will stop seeking experiences, images, sounds etc. that remind me of him.  He wants to be free of me and has understandably removed his light from my heart.
I W A I T....
I will adjust in time.

I hate having to be this intensely introspective, but I'd be doing myself a huge disservice if I didn't reflect on what I have learned. 

Trying to protect someone from knowing things that they want to know but that I know will hurt them to know....is a bad idea. If they find out on their own or from other sources, they will see my silence as a betrayal. 

I have lost the trust and respect of someone who could have been a partner in my life.  I loved him so much and saw a future with him, his daughter and my children. The kind of love we had was incredibly rare and I don't think I'll ever find such a connection again. 

While he is not my love any more, I still have to continue on the path that he showed me to becoming a better person.  I don't like a lot of what I've learned about myself because of the light he shone in the darkest corners of who I am.  I have to be honest and reconstruct certain aspects of my personalities.  This seems as daunting as trying to clean the home of a hoarder.  But for my own good and for the sake of anyone else who tries to be near me, I have to purge a lot of what's inside me that is holding me back from being able to be close with anyone.
....or I could just as easily continue as I have been and struggle with relationships for the rest of my life.  Both options are difficult and require a tremendous amount of work. I just have to commit to no longer doing what I have been so used to for so long.  I'm so used to hiding the ugly parts of myself instead of fixing them....the same way I find ways to store crap in my apartment that I might not need or that I'm just afraid to move on without....and just like when the mess becomes so great that I wave my hands at people and say, "no no no....don't come in....don't walk there....watch out for the...."
That's exactly what I've been doing with my heart.  Now instead of my heart being a warm and inviting place,  it's a warehouse of junk....cluttered and dangerous.  J tried to make a home for himself in there and I was guarded and anxious....trying to avert his attention from things I didn't want him to see.  If something would catch his attention, I'd wave my hands at him and say "no no no....don't look at that; look at this instead....don't sit there; sit here...."
You can only do that to someone for so long before they seek, then find, the opportunity to investigate without your interference, especially someone as keen on knowing the facts of any matter as J is. 

In a way, the last couple of days of hell I have been going through is a good thing because I have no choice but to admit these things about myself.  Now I can either continue as I have been, which benefits absolutely no one, or I can really get to work on tidying myself up....and this time, when the momentum on that gets going, stick with it instead of leaving areas of myself still festering with unchecked crap.  And I have to commit to staying clean inside. 

....then I might actually like myself for a change, and be ok with inviting people in.

Me minus the fat

I don't like myself at all. I feel like giving up. I'm writing here so I don't have to share these feelings with anyone I know. I'm really empty though. There's just nothing.

Scmmurasf

You said you had a problem with letting go; I do as well. I suspect that you might see this part of me in yourself. We both feel very deeply and are both extremely emotional and vulnerable. I see this in you and I'm weak before it, because I've never known a man to be so strong yet so gentle. I honestly didn't believe that such men existed in real life. That said, you also have the ability to hurt my feelings by using my own against me. I don't enjoy emotional warfare.
I needed to trim loose ends and didn't want to discuss that with you because it would just be something else for you to worry about and possibly throw in my face. I had hoped that once the loose ends were gone, I could focus on you and that we'd be ok.
You spat an "apology" at me last night as an example of what one was....thanks; I had no idea.  You said you didn't want to hear any more of my apologies, and quite frankly, I'm tired of giving them.

No more life

The unsettling feeling in my stomach all day....just way too much anxiety today. Unable to focus and every thought I have leads me back to him.
This level of anxiety is intolerable..I should see a doctor.
I hate myself so much. I HATE being me. Anytime something happens on my phone, my guts stretch, pull and turn inside of me because I think I might be getting a message from him.  It hasn't even been a day and I feel as though a piece of me has been amputated.  I really do hate myself. 
I hate feeling things....fuck them. I just don't want to feel anything. I'm in a dark place and I'm not even afraid to be here. It just feels like this is where I belong.  I've done the worst things ..I never wanted to be this sort of person. I feel stupid. I don't understand anything. I don't want to see or hear anything else. I have been the victim of idiots and I have victimized people with my own idiocy. I won't take my life this close to my son's birthday; I need to pick a suitable date and time. I already know where, I'm just not sure how. I can't believe I'm researching this. Yes I can.

But what I really wanted to say was....

I'm going to die if I can't be near you. I love you and don't want to lose you. I'm insanely sad and can't handle my feelings right now. I'm overwhelmed and just don't want to live any more if there's an absence of you every day for the rest of my life. I'm unaware of what's going on around me. I don't want to be a part of anything any more and would welcome an escape from this hell I've created.

Prayer n' shytt

http://whydoesntgodhealamputees.com/god5.htm

Why doesn't god heal amputees?

Well boo:(
*^_^

http://whydoesntgodhealamputees.com/important.htm

Love's Atrophy

Eyes wide..beholding a lot of nothing.
Heart in the grasp of icy ambivalence
Removed from experience
The spirit, now a vagabond in love's absence.
No sound....nothing....and love dies in my hands.
No skill to revive its fragile beauty
I silently accept its choking end.

Strength and gentleness

Love

This picture reminds me of Mr. J and myself....even without the quote  about forgiveness.
The woman, with her pointed ear like mine....and the way the man is holding her so protectively and tenderly....the way Mr. J holds me....
I love this picture.  I love he fact that they look like the earth and space. What I am guessing is that their hair....how it spirals out....is the knowledge of who they are and all that ever was before them spiralling out from them.... The warmth and security of their embrace is so beautiful.

My favorite version of this song

The two voices dancing together, and the beckoning sounds of the violins....
<3 So beautiful <3

Michael Buble & Ivan Lins - Wonderful Tonight: http://youtu.be/1Disni-gtoY

After violence

There's this need to be hypervigillant that I can't seem to shake. My childhood is long past and the relationship with mr. Grabby-McSlapnpunch has been over for 3 years+ now, but I still have a difficult time relaxing with people. I fear I will just always be this way.

Enter me

Innervate my soul with your power so great
Course through me and become my force
Open my eyes to what you want me to see
Of you....of the world....
Feel your experience

Reignite the dead zones of my heart, killed in former quests
....For love....in hatred....from foolish decisions made in haste, and in compromised thought....

Unfurl my wings with the strength of your love
Calm my rage with the beauty of your spirit
Captivate me with the melody of your voice.

Love unhindered....
Therein will lie strength, beauty and peace.
Fervent as the sun....pure and untamed
Awesome and unquestionable.
When you are in me, there will no greater power be.

Stunning fantasy art

Fighting again

I'm afraid that Mr. J and I won't be ok. Sitting around wallowing in regret after another all-night fight. Texting argument, really.  Insecurity is why.....my fault that, because of my past treatment of him what with the secrecy about the feelings I still had and acted upon with that ex.  Now I hate myself again....
I also hate how J goes from being incredibly supportive, so much so that I feel safe enough to tell him anything, to being malicious and spiteful.  I guess I deserve that to a certain extent, but it's not something I want to keep in my life.  How long will this continue?  I'd be very sad to lose him because of this.  But we can't keep poisoning each other.  It doesn't matter how upfront I am....he gets a feeling that there's something off about something I've said, and his insecurity goes through the roof.  Then we end up arguing....him insisting that I'm lying, and me trying frantically to convince him that I'm not and that I love him and don't want to be with anyone else but him. 
I don't deserve the luxury of complaining about this....but I just can't stay stuck here in this place of no possible redemption.  He likely doesn't feel that I am capable of honesty nor of loving him....I'm afraid he'll never forgive me.....But at some point all of this punishing has to stop because he's pushing me away.  Soon I'm going to give up on him because he's got this shadow over me that isn't conducive to the growth of love.  I feel as though I have such a nerve saying that, because I was dishonest in the beginning....if I'd known how much he would mean to me and how much I'd miss him after we broke up, I wouldn't have resumed anything with the ex.  This relationship was forged in uncertainty....now I'm stuck hating myself for hurting him. 

.....although....part of me wonders if he'd be insecure anyway, even if I hadn't cheated.  

But here we are again....no matter what else is going on in my life, the focus is disproportionately on J and what he feels.  Not to sound cold, but this is why I began avoiding him the first time around.  I'm afraid that no amount of holding and attempts at reassuring him will ever be good enough. 

<3 Truthiness

Grim but interesting

Floating

Float from body to body....hoping to find rest in a heart.... My wings are tired and hard as I've tried I can't seem to stay on this currant of air....so I tumble down ....bodies beneath me, in awe at what they think is an angel....my wings singed from an existence of sin....of others and my own....unable to keep me afloat. I land on him....sorry to have touched his heart.... Eyes locked in sincere apology....ashamed of my aching wings. I expect no rest here....or anywhere....used to a continuous flight.... He unfurls his wings and carries me into the night. I, afraid, not knowing where he will land .... Relax into the strength of his wings and allow him to take my hand. With the other, I point to where I wish to go....far from here....though exactly where, I still don't know. He joins me on my aimless flight and breathes me in and out, ever increasing in might. With each breath, I grow stronger....and although my own strength is recovered, I wish to fly with him longer.

Grimm

Painful thoughts....your passing was almost the end of me. Broken hearted....the news of your passing hurt more than I never imagined. I hadn't planned to say goodbye to you.... I'm angry with myself at the very thought.... I wish I could know that you are somehow still here. I've lost others before, but never someone so close.... Feelings as raw as the day I first heard. Afraid that no one could possibly understand.... Finding no comfort and Missing your presence in my life.... The pain of no word from you ....reality's serrated knife. Everything that reminds me of who you were Giving joy and pain at the same time.... Shuddering with sadness at the absence of one so sublime. Tears burning my skin ....unable to stop the flow.... Uncontrolled emotions continuing to grow.... Taking deep breaths and trying to pull myself together Hoping deep in my soul that I will see you again in the great, vast forever.

Nourish

Loving you and loving how you're loving me .... Dancing in the spirit of our love. Caught up in the ether of the afterglow.... Floating in you....breathing you in....savouring you with all five senses. Sliding across each other's love-slickened skin.... Writhing from the energy of your touch.... Powerless, yet bursting with energy from our love. Willing surrender to your plans for the night.... Resulted in heavenly delight. Watering our love with more love.... Nurturing each other's hearts.

Clean Bandit- Rather Be Feat. Jess Glynne

Tove Lo-Habits (Stay High)

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oh2LWWORoiM

VmV Nation, Please Don't Go

http://youtu.be/mVf2EeTMNJo

Cakes

I've never known anyone I believed I could actually do life with, so that relationship with Mr. J was new....I've never been with anyone who caused everyone else to pale in comparison. The last month, he and I soared high and I thought we might make it. But occasionally we hurt each other with what in the grand scheme of things is absolute nonsense. Past shit shouldn't be flung into someone's face to make a point. We've both been guilty of that....it just makes the other person feel as though they'll never be good enough. I made him feel "not good enough" by cheating on him with my ex, and he causes me to feel "not good enough" by constantly bringing it up and throwing it back at me as though I'm still interested in cheating on him with said ex. I'm stupid for ruining that....I made his insecurity worse and poisoned our relationship. Then we tried again, and the poison of me cheating was still there, like a cancer coming back. I'd be such a douchebag to simply forgive myself for cheating, regardless of how he is still hurting over that. While I don't want to keep beating myself up for the rest of what's left of my life, I poisoned my own heart by cheating on J. It'll take a thousand forevers to rid this from my soul.

Concrete Trampoline

Razor tampons, ketchup hats, battery acid salad dressing, mud shampoo, barbed baby wipes, tree bark lip balm, aluminum sunscreen, cotton nail clippers, dry ice slippers. Lazer dinner, shit soap, blueberry juice dental floss, tissue paper condoms, cat piss toothpaste, sewage mouthwash, liquid underwear, cinderblock glasses, ass phones, ankle polish, fish gut perfume, pet dander contact lenses. Water cigarettes....flower petal wagons....barbecue sauce napkins..... Nylon tires....silk pliers. Lava paint brushes....stuffed animal coffee cups....elephant windows....insect couches....toe jam nose plugs....keyboard stew....ice cube blankets....rabbit diapers....iphone hairbrushes....vending machine pants....banana peel dentures....rocket fuel yoghurt....mozzarella headphones....dish soap bones. None of those things make any sense....how rediculous if they were true. None of those things could ever be And I could never really be with you. We could try, but we would only ever be As good as a concrete trampoline.

Held

My days are more like 2 cups, one girl Two cups of rum. Every day....from morning, right through the day.... to the beginning of the next day's light Until dreaded Sleep knocks me out to torture me with dreams that feel too real. The sweet embrace of alcohol....always the same....doing it's job and keeping me sane. Predictable and reliable; my best friend....keeper of the truth about the source of my pain. In company good or bad....or alone....I bless my spirit with spirits each day and I am stronger, even though my past is here to stay and the memories I hate never go away. Under the spell of alluring drink I bare more than I could otherwise.... My mind, relaxed and free....my body tricked into believing that I have more energy. Skipping from task to task....floating....sometimes zombie-like....but so long as whatever I need to do gets done.... Providing people with reasons to smile and have fun. Nod when appropriate; focus on the face....provide the right reaction and say what needs to be said.... Just don't imbibe too much, for fear of appearing dead.... This is how I get along with the world, and how the world gets along with me. No chance of navigating this hell without drinking....fuck sobriety. Life is too hard when everything hurts....the mind wanders to past failures and plays each one in a loop.... Then I hate myself and my history and I'm crippled with regret. Alcohol helps me to drag myself on, although I don't ever forget. It helps me to continue because I must.... It also helps me to feign normalcy and trust. When sober, I'm afraid of love and closeness of any kind.... I've been well trained to guard myself fiercely against allowing anyone into the sanctum of my heart, soul and mind. But sweet alcohol aids the flow of feelings....of peace and of sex.... Sufficiently detached so I can handle whatever comes next. Detached, yet more a part of things had I not been drinking.... Aware I can control the emotions that cloud my thinking. Able to live with the things I hate about the world and other people and myself. Able to put doubt and fear up on an invisible shelf. Unhindered by intrusive thoughts of wrongful deeds done to me....and worse; of deeds I've done. Now filled with the comforting calm of alcohol.... Every limb calm....breathing slowed.... My day has now begun. I can be me....the me I want to be....not the versions of me I can't stand. I can go ahead with each duty that lays before me as planned. Topping up as the day goes on to prevent wretchedness from seeping in.... Rationing my supply and abating my legion of problems within. My inner demons, bad and good, clamor less....or at least, not as loud.... And I can find my way through the ether of my day, held by inebriation's sweet and foggy cloud.

It's About That Time

We had a blast....we had good times

We made memories that could make the devil blush

We didn't match....but we didn't care

It was fun to shoot the shit with you all night

But as time went on....I knew the day would come

When I had to face the truth....we couldn't be.

We broke up..but held on..to love's frayed and tattered strings

But it's over, baby..I want you to set me free.

We were weird....no one understood

What you saw in me and what I saw in you

But when we were alone.. the night was ours

No one judging us..just you, me and the stars.

But the truth was there..any fool could see it coming

Glaring differences would mean we had to part

Why prolong the pain of breaking up?

It's over, baby..I need to set you free.

It was good, but no.... I mean it when I say "no more!"

It's about that time to bury whatever's left

No more "final times", because they always led to another....

No! I mean it, baby..I need you to set me free!

We need to set each other free....

It's about that time....

No more....

Goodbye.

Snorting Tylenol Whuuuuttt????!

(From the website Drugs.com) http://www.drugs.com/forum/general/effects-snorting-tylenol-advil-anyone-know-36883.html Panamarod said:09-17-2006 10:01 PM quote:Originally posted by rc2632Obviously we are going to punish him and separate him from the morons who are doing this. What I want to know is, what effect does snorting an analgesic have on the body? Do you get high? Numb? Anyone know?It burns the ever-loving-**** out of your nose and nothing more. I do have a suggestion, having gone through the drug thing with my parents. Don't distance yourself from your child by talking down him and don't try to control every facet of his life, that will only push him further and further away. It's parental instinct to want to direct him in the right way, but take a dog for instance. If you push a dog that's standing up, it's only natural for the dog to lean against your pressure. The same goes for the cocky confidence of adolescents. My parents strong armed me and it did nothing. I started warming up to them when they actually started 'caring' about what I was doing, instead of being afraid of what I was doing. You may say things to your son that make you both feel akward. Why is my mom/dad saying this to me, why aren't they pissed? Why didn't my son get irrate when I mentioned that? Trust me, if your kid is doing something illegal, he knows he is. And he expects you to punish him if you find out about it. Try surprising him. Be creative, don't just take a belt to him or slap him on the wrist and be pissed. Be curious and understanding. There are tons of parents out there who chastise their children and in a fearful panic say things they wouldn't otherwise say had the situation not involved drugs. But the sad fact is, drugs are scary and they can completely control a person. But not at first. Not at 14-years old. You kinda have to sit back and laugh... they're snorting tylenol. At least they're not diving right into cocaine or >>>>>>.Don't condone the behavior, but don't demonize it.Rod

..........

I feel as though no one wants to be around me if I'm not inebriated. I didn't realize how difficult this would be. I want to drink again so I don't feel so bad. And everyone I loved when I had a steady flow of liquor in my blood....maybe I didn't really love them (?)....I know for sure that they couldn't have loved, or even *known* me. If they met me for the first time today, I don't know what they'd think. Pretty much everyone I know drinks..but I NEED to. I have to so I can function. I'm not in my right mind right now. But I have to smarten up. This has gone on long enough.

Back & Forth

To and fro....
Insane passion to intense anger
Getting better and worse every time.
Yo-yoing each other's frayed heartstrings and whirling words without thought....
Good and terrible at different times and at once.
Healing and hurting....feeding and starving....
I love you and I hate you....I don't want to be without you; I want you in my life forever....
You sometimes give me hope....you hurl me into despair.
You're so much a part of my being; I can't get away from you....you're everywhere. You love me....you can't stand me.
You raise me up and you throw me down. You say such beautiful things, then you poison my heart....
While my soul screams for freedom, yet not wanting us to part.
Energizing....yet sometimes sapping the will to live....
Love....hate....apathy....and longing to forgive.
Forgiving and then throwing shit in each other's faces
A feigned sense of righteousness....until we put ourselves in each other's places. Love so good, yet sometimes fractious and bad....
The best and the worst experience I've ever had?
Trusting you cautiously....
Love so unbridled yet laiden with conditions....
Grateful for what seems like a new start with you....
Then drowning in regret and contrition. Held so close, I'm almost inside you.... Then pushed so far away that I can't find you.
Reconnecting....stronger each time.... Then disconnecting and punishing for each new crime.
Loving and gripping so tightly, we draw blood....
Then despising and drawing forth bitter tears....and drowning in the immense flood.
Then gripped with longing when we are apart....
Our minds, tormented, with these matters of the heart.
Uncertain about each other.....yet somehow sure
That what we have is a deep and true love, and that we can endure.

Small Grave

Walking slowly down the road Friggen raindrops pouring down Fighting thoughts and a heavy load Pissed about the muddy ground Then I took a look to my right Saw a tiny fresh dug grave.. Cars of the mourners in my sight A life gone, that no one could save. Misery replaced by respect and gratitude Perspective and a better attitude

Own Power

OUR kingdom come; OUR will be done.
This life is all we have; WE THINK, THEREFORE WE ARE!
Bask in our majesty; beauty of life.... Weep at destruction and violence and strife....
Sing praises to yourself....put not yourself down.
You have survived long....in your sorrows do not drown....
You have the power....keep yourself afloat....
You are your own saviour
Worship your autonomy!
Laughter, tears, joy and pain....
Bathe in your own sacred rain.

Agoraphobia

If I step outside, please don't hate me If I step outside, please don't bring up my past. If the ground beneath me fails to swallow me, don't stare at my imperfection.. I know I'm ugly..inside and out.. just please don't point that out.

The More You Know....

This is about vaginal soreness after sex. Useful info.... http://www.empowher.com/sex-amp-relationships/content/soreness-after-sex-how-avoid-it

Tea

I had tea before bed tonight and I don't feel awful..I hate drinking so much. Well....I don't hate it....I just wish I didn't drink as much as I do because I feel like I need to. Alcohol helps me a lot .... I need to get some sleep now

Counselling

That went ok today.....it's important to get help when you need it:3

Whip

I whip myself with the chain you gave me Crazy, yes, but I need to feel And I need to satisfy the need to feel the pain on my skin To know that everything is real.

4

For science! ....I did 4 lines of coke, and don't feel anything. Popped my coke cherry....I was expecting to feel good or something, but I guess I'm immune to shit like that:/ I just wanted to understand him a bit more....it was really no big deal; kind of a waste. I'm glad it wasn't my money that was wasted.... Off to bed I go.

Illusions

As long as I can maintain illusions, I can navigate the world. But....if anything shatters those illusions, I have to navigate as my true self and hope to dog that who I am is ok with the rest of the world. The real me can be very difficult to accept, especially since I am nutty as a fruitcake. I change throughout the day depending on which version of myself needs to be at the forefront. So one part of me can decide something, but unless the rest of me agrees, there can be chaos....I'll forget or disregard decisions one part of me has made because I am always changing. It's frustrating....for me and for the people in my life. I need to try to be in control of myself (myselves). I need to strengthen up so that I can get through life together....without leaving any of my selves behind, but with the understanding that the part of me best suited to make any given decision should be respected by the rest of me. People who are close enough to me to pick up on my "indecisiveness" see me as wishy-washy....they don't understand that who I am might be fighting with myself....arguing with another part of myself because the version of me that is present doesn't agree with something I've said or done ....I need time to confer with myself before making choices and sometimes it's crippling because time moves so quickly and I need to pause so that I can be sure within myself that I (all of me) agrees with a decision. Even simple choices like what to eat, what to wear (that usually takes super long), going shopping for ....well, anything, can be so crippling. I (we) thrive on predictability; when outside influences upset that, there's chaos in me. I wish everyone in the world understood....but very few people do. And it's too difficult to explain and difficult for people who know nothing about this sort of thing to understand. So I need to present illusions so that people have an idea of how to relate to me. This may seem dishonest....it is to a certain degree....but how much time do people really have to allow me to explain myselves and how much time do normal people give before forming a first impression of others? What always ends up happening is that after a while I am seen as an indecisive and dishonest person. But I'm afraid that if people knew the mees inside, they wouldn't stick with me as a whole and I'd be alone. Silly that, because I'm alone anyway, and after experiencing me, (us), I end up alone anyway:1 Very silly. I just don't want to have my opinions and decisions discounted if it's known that I struggle with this misunderstood aspect of who I am.

Yeeeeaaahhhhh....no.

Running from my own thoughts is more exhausting than actually running. There's nowhere to go, so I can stop and take a rest, and there's no end to it. My thoughts drag me everywhere. Exhausting as that is though, thinking is better than not thinking and merely acting on impulse. Why am I even putting this on here, who gives a fuck what I think lmao....

Aftermath

I feel so sorry I can't breathe.... There's no one to blame but myself

Dust yet unsettled....falls toward the ground....surrounding us with the aftermath of my carelessness.

I try to walk toward you ....tripping on broken heart's debris.....

Jagged edges ....cutting and causing pain ....I get up and try heading towards you again.

I could abandon this trek, abandon this place and this love for you.... I could avoid ever being cut apart by the jagged shards of our broken hearts ....I just don't.... because I love you.

I see your silhouette in a cloud of dust.... How could I cause the explosion that destroyed your happy place?.... Smouldering and covered in ash....I make out a look of disbelief on your still beautiful face....my dearest silhouette....becoming my light.... drawing me near.

I can't get close to you fast enough....damn the debris on the ground and the thick clouds of dust that slow my pace.... Yet I try not to crush anything that lays beneath my feet in case you want to rebuild....I pray to the Universe that you do.... Finally before you, I see the effects of what I've done....all over your body....your beautiful, beautiful face....

Covered in ash and dirt ....spattered with the blood of your sweet heart....how can I continue to live with what I've done? I search you for forgiveness ....a gift I know I don't deserve.

At this moment, I tell myself, "Look what I've done!"....I ask myself, "Can any of this be rebuilt? How can I prevent this mess from ever happening again? ....should I just take my own life?....will you take it from me?.... What will ease the pain I have caused....tidy up the mess I have created? How can I repair and heal the people whose hearts I have maimed?"

I decide to sacrifice myself....I don't deserve another chance. And to be honest....I'm tired of living....exhausted from trying to make peace with myself and all others around me....but mainly with myself.... I can't live with me after what I've done to you.

From between your lips come words of peace....your voice, a melody that at once blesses and chokes me....my arrested heart fails to keep me strong. This is judgement I have earned and brought upon myself. I accept my fate in silence ....fading into the vapours of your memories of me.

You are the last thing I experience of this world before passing into the next....

My empty shell....all but left.

More Ugh

See these scars? They represent The turmoil in my life....pain and resentment. Hatred and anger taken out on my skin Always the result of letting outsiders in. Fear of death....yet hatred of living.... Dying for love, yet tired of giving. Tired, maybe because I just can't do it My personality is just not strong enough to see me through it. Lamenting the me that I used to be.... Brimming with hope and positivity

Balls Of Blue.

Take me to heaven..cast me back into hell

A familiar place I know so well.

Frequent flyer miles on this ride

I cashed them in when you cast me aside.

Everything so familiar; it's always the same....

Yet knowing what to expect, I always join the game

Each time hoping for a better end.

Insanity at it's finest....yet so easy to pretend

That things could be different the next time around

I've become an expert at hurtling to the ground.

"But you're so beautiful! ", people say

They've got no fucking clue, do they.

I'd trade my body and my face

For permanence and stability, so I can land on a soft place....

For a heart with whom I could safely intertwine....

For a soul that truly understood mine.

But every fucking time, this Russian roulette

Ends with me crying and wanting to forget

Mistakes made and chances taken

....it's long past time for my soul to awaken....

Realize it will always be this way....

And if I don't like the game, I just shouldn't play.

Editing My Speech (Mother Issues)

Maybe I shouldn't say that my mother is wicked and evil..she's had damage done too. It's like killing or at least hurting myself when I think of her. I wish she was sorry about everything because the parts of me that are so similar to her miss the beautiful things about her. I should probably start by talking to my dad because I miss him too. But I'm still so hurt by the things they said and did and I'm not sure if they'll ever change their opinion of me. Years worth of hurt ..well into adulthood.. I'm fighting with myself about this. Marsha's afraid of being hurt by them again because she's known them the longest. Rose is tired of being slapped emotionally by them and having to protect Marsha. Veronica is angry and would like to punch the living daylights out of my mother....she'd probably listen to dad. Ron awaits further instructions and the New part of me that is trying to negotiate everything between myselves is trying to convince us all to go in a new direction and be forgiving, the same way we've all been hoping to be forgiven by J. Side thought....maybe I should learn to see "god" as a concept, the same way as I see Lucifer. I've been fighting so hard to wash the christian out of me that I failed to keep the good things I learned from that religion. I'm still angry because of the hurtful things that have been done in the name of god/christianity though. Anyway, we started by thinking of my mother. I'd probably like to make peace with her, buy her flowers, bake and cook with her, hear her laugh and rest on her chest. I just don't ever want to feel the type of pain she caused me ever again. And she'd probably never accept who I am. I'd like to know why she did the things she's done....I'd love to accept any effort on her part to make those things right. It's been a year and a half though..I guess we're all used to the separation and I should probably leave well enough alone. Welp....that's the end of that emotional yo-yo....

Damn

I Little Dutch Boyed my feelings yesterday as best as I could, but then things got to a point where I just couldn't any more.

Pretty Bird

Who knows what this bird is going through; I bet he/she hears that he/she is beautiful all the time....in languages he/she can't understand. I think that this bird is a type of heron.

Hearts

Mistakes made....lessons learned

Hearts broken....bridges burned.

Life lived....love lost

Dues paid at a very high cost.

Skin bleeding....scars formed

New love found....heart rewarmed.

Memories haunting.....tears cried

Music healing the love that died.

Feelings mixed....a broken heart

Fate accepted.....a new start.

Yearning for peace....fighting to live

New chapters....more love to give....

Still alive....facing new days

Learning new, healthier ways

Embracing demons....forgiving self

Thoughts of dying placed on a shelf.

Surviving me....lamenting you

Endless torture I need to work through.

Moments fleeting.....life goes on yet....

Episodes weathered....still willing to bet

For love is so precious, and so dear

I'll give life another chance for another year.

Who knows what else life will bring

More reasons to live and more reasons to sing?..

Never forgetting the pain I live....

The pain I've caused and the love I give.

The life I've made is the life in me

While my demons keep me company.

Life is heaven and also hell

A lesson I learned the hard way so well!

Hoping the best.....setting you free

Creating peace with the demons in me.

Looking forward....occasionally back

Emotional debris....tossed in a sack.

Shooting a flare of love in the air

Hearts healing and taking better care.

Article On Forgiveness

From this website: http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-do-you-forgive-yourself/00016908

Did your actions reflect your true values? If not, trace your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions that led to your actions. Think about what may have led you to abandon your values. Notice that you hurt yourself when you violate your values. This actually causes more harm than disappointing someone else.How did your actions affect you and others? Whom did you hurt? Include yourself on the list.Think of ways to make amends. Take the action, and make them. For example, if the person is dead, you can write a letter of apology. You can also decide to act differently in the future.

.......

Would you forgive someone else for the same actions? Why would you treat yourself differently? How does it benefit you to continue to punish yourself?Remorse is healthy and leads to corrective action. Think about what you’ve learned from your experience and how you might act differently today.Write yourself an empathic letter of understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness.Repeat on a daily basis words of kindness and forgiveness from your letter, such as, “I’m innocent,” “I forgive myself,” and “I love myself.”Share honestly with others what you did. Don’t share with those who might judge you. If appropriate, talk about what happened in a 12-Step group. Secrecy prolongs guilt and shame.

I'm Going to Wendy's For A Burger.

So I went to the mental health clinic and I must have looked crazy as fuck. They said they couldn't see me because I'd been there before and their policy is that if it's been more than a year that you've seen someone there, you can't see a doctor at the clinic.... you have to go to emergency. Fuck that! Fukketty fuck-fuck!!!!! Between that, and the kid's father taking my boys to my parent's house for a sleepover this weekend, and feeling as though no one remembers how he fucking used to rough me up and cheat on me, and the rent mot being paid by the people who are supposed to be paying directly to the property management, and the foofarah with J & D....I'm a wreck. Fuck. I was hoping to be able to deal with the head-case shit I have going on today. It's already past lunchtime and I feel as though I've got nothing accomplished. I came all this way....I need to deal with this stuff pronto. I'd say "go home and deal with it another day", but *when*? When will I finally be ok? I'm not going to emergency; fuck that. They'll probably strap me down and force feed me pills. That doesn't solve anything. I need to fix my problems, not numb myself to them.

From An Old Post

" If I compromise my own integrity, I am not worthy of the love I seek." These are my own words....how could I have become so foolish as to have forgotten what I had learned? I've been cheated on, been the "other woman", and been the cheater. I am supposing that now my next step is to learn about empathy and forgiveness, because I sure as hell need both and feel as though I deserve neither. http://veronicaleonid.blogspot.ca/2013/02/i-cant-stand-lack-of-contact-and.html?m=1

Destroy And Rebuild

Everything fucking hurts, and it's killing me to walk away from the mess I've made. I can't stop feeling the weight of the guilt.....But I have to move on from here and commit to being a better person. How do I do that knowing the pain I've caused another person? I really disappointed myself, because the person I was when I was able to cheat and put effort into acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened is NOT the person I wanted to be. I'm teetering between thoughts of suicide and putting every scrap of energy I have into taking steps toward being a better person. Thoughts of my responsibility to my kids forces me to shun the idea of killing myself....if not for them, I'd do it because I'm tired of carrying the weight of the pain from my past, as well as the guilt of breaking someone's heart. This camel's back can only carry so many straws. I can't look anywhere or go anywhere or hear anything without being reminded of the hope I felt that maybe J could be what they call "the one".. he had faults.. I should have been compassionate and put energy into helping him heal instead of running away from the challenge like a frightened child. I had hoped that in time, I'd lose all affection for D....I shouldn't have given in....I should have steered clear. Now every day is "woulda shoulda coulda"....I know what I did wrong; I'll never ever make this mistake again. People's hearts are fragile ..as was mine when I felt this same stab of betrayal years ago. I worry about J all the time. I feel like I should stab myself because of how badly I hurt him. I fell so shockingly far beneath my own standards. I don't like who I became, but I don't have to stay that way. I've already moved from that mindset....I shocked myself into changing. I'm glad that the version of me that was callous and deceptive is morphing into something else. I broke myself; now it's time to fix myself. This fragmented personality thing is no joke....I need to figure out what to do so that I can function around other people with less difficulty.

A Thought

We're all primal, nervous-reaction oriented skinbags with the capacity to love and hate with awesome ferocity. The intensity of both extremes terrify me sometimes. I'm afraid of my intense anger....I'm afraid of losing myself completely in love again.

See You Again

I miss you....

I keep thinking of you....

You made an impression

That is still so strong.

I wish you were here

Recreating the memories

That run through my mind....

The way you looked at me,

The way that you smiled,

The way you'd make love....

You'd last a while!

I'd give anything

To relive those memories

And see you again.

You always smelled good....

You kissed me so nice....

Whenever you touched me,

My skin came alive....

I wish I had treasured

The time that we had

More than I did;

Oh, but I did you wrong....

Now I'm here without you....

Daydreaming about you....

And writing song after song after song....

Of all my life's loves,

You were the best....

From the torment of missing you

There is no rest....

Johnny I'm dying....

And I need to stop trying

To see you again.

We've said goodbye;

Can't go there any more.

But I'd like you to take me

Right here on the floor!

Slide up inside me,

And I'll go down....

We'll make so much noise....

Wake everybody in town....

The way that we used to

When we were together

And you were my thing....

Wait....I'm shaking my head....

I'm no longer your girl....

But I'd give anything....everything in the world

To lay down beside you

To live out my dreams of you

And be with you again.

Get Up

This song....word for fucking word....

I am clearly broken and no one knows what to do

Pieces of the puzzle don't fit, so, I pound them into you

Itching is the pulse inside

Creeping out to come alive

It's just doing what it's gonna do

Times are looking grim these days

Holding on to everything

It's hard to draw the line

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

I can't wait to rip my eyes out and look at you

Peace through pain is precious especially when it's done by you

Itching is the pulse inside

Creeping out to come alive

It's just doing what it's gonna do

Times are looking grim these days

Holding on to everything

It's hard to draw the line

And I'm, I'm hiding in this empty space

Tortured by my memories of what I've left behind

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Times are looking grim these days

Holding on to everything

It's hard to draw the line

And I'm, I'm hiding in this empty space

Tortured by my memories of what I've left behind

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up! http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hh1eyCbXvjs

Him

Driving through his neighbourhood was something....drove right by his building and the 24hr Sobey's and a store called "Janney's something-or-other", which I mistakenly thought said "Johnny's"....and a print shop named "RohnRose"....too many coincidences for one night; I went out tonight to try to forget about him and the opposite happened. L my effing a o. I miss Johnny; my body still reacts to thoughts of him. No one else....just him. Not even Tom Hiddleston. No one! This is new. Before this fuckscapade, I could react to former crushes and loves if I thought sexy thoughts about them; now, I only want one person. And I can't have him. Moving along....there are bigger problems in the world than this.

The Reason By Hoobastank

I don't like the video, but the lyrics are perfect right now. http://vimeo.com/m/76484308

Rock Bottom

I wounded the heart of one so sweet....

....A treasure, that I was blessed enough to meet.

I cheated on him..broke his heart and dug in a knife....

Pining and yearning has become the theme of my life....

My heart....a graveyard for what could have been....

....the crown of love he once placed upon me, now belongs to his new queen.

The position I once held in his heart....

...occupied by another....and mine is falling apart.

My reeling mind....unable to remain steady,

Decides I should take another shot at love....although clearly, I'm not ready....

Sacrifice the heart of another....

In an attempt to replace my former lover....

Such was the beginning of my dealings with him.

I knew it was wrong....but I took a shot....

Then between him and the one before, my mind, body and spirit constantly fought.

Reality and fantasy....met by both men....

Going back and forth from one to the other....hating myself again and again.

Living a life of pitiful lies....

....unable to look into my king's trusting eyes.

Loving him and wanting him....yet still pining for some knave....

....taking for granted all that my king gave....

Wishing I could have my Cake and eat it too....

Unable to trade in a fantasy for a dream come true.

He offered me his fucking kingdom, yet I, not believing,

Sought rest in the arms of the knave with whom I was cheating!

Now tortured by relentless regret, I have crowned another my queen....

And I am hers....at least for the time being....

And she, aware of my recent disgrace,

Kisses me tenderly, knowing that she cannot replace

The crater in my soul, once filled by my king.

Her love for me does nothing to soothe the sting.

I just want someone to let this shame from my veins....

....fill me with something else so I can start over again.

Because I've been banished from my king's heart....

The moment I sinned against him I knew we'd have to part.

Regret is a beast that stalks and devours me....

Holding over my head the heart of my king....and with the anguish I caused him....the beast showers me

Daily reminding me of how shamefully I failed....

Now upon a crucifix of my own creation, my honour has been nailed.

DID

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” ― David Foster Wallace This guy's blog is worth a read http://una-together-as-one.blogspot.co.uk/2014/08/a-bad-day.html?m=1

Joan Rivers Quote </3

".... All I want you to do, if we are sitting down and it’s after 6 p.m., is tell me the truth. Because we’ve all lied to each other all day long in business and we’ve all had these lunches and we’ve all ass-kissed to the point where I carry Chapstick. If I am going to sit down and eat with you, just tell me the truth and let me say to you, ‘Things are lousy and I’m sad.’ ”

I Am Many Trapped In One

Ron, my fire....I love him the most. Purposeful and committed....the protector....the one who gets things done. Veronica....feisty and passionate....reckless and wild. Rose....the mother....living in and sharing beauty....she is loved and respected by us all. Marsha....the child....looks up to the others and longs for peace. Ever hopeful and so quick to trust.

Goodbye Summer (Time To Bury Love)

Sitting outside Under a late summer sky.... Pure blue and beautiful Legs burning in the sun.... Heart burning with longing Heart racing at the thought of your fingers on me Spiral of smoke ascending Gentle breeze blowing like your breath on me.... Arms bare and aching for your touch.

I Dont Know

I don't know....

I damned well don't know

I don't know....

I damned well don't know

I don't know....

I damned well don't know

I don't know....

I damned well don't know

We're fighting.... Not seeing eye to eye Keeping distant.... Will our love die?.... It's still new.... This thing with me and you Will we be ok?

I'm hiding How I truly feel I'm doubting If our love is real We rushed in.... I feared at first I shouldn't have clung to you....

I don't know.... I damned well don't know I don't know.... I damned well don't know I don't know.... I damned well don't know I don't know.... I damned well don't know

I'm hurting And I'm hurting you I wonder If we'll make it through It's way too Soon for us To be so torn....

What happened?!!!! What we had was good I'd fix this If I only could But I refuse to Hold on to Something that's killing me

I don't know....

I damned well don't know

I don't know....

I damned well don't know

I don't know....

I damned well don't know

I don't know....

I damned well don't know

Substance impairs you and I Don't know who you are....

Did I ever know the real you....who is he?....

the you that I love, or the you who I'm hiding from?

I don't know.... I damned well don't know I don't know.... I damned well don't know Well, fuck me!.... I damned well don't know I don't know.... I damned well don't know.........

Pleasure the Priestess-A Winding Road

https://m.soundcloud.com/ptp/a-winding-road-original-mix

Shame On Me

Keeping calm and carrying on As though I didn't sin Burning from the inside out....my mind has become my own personal hell. I sinned against the one I love....who loves me....and I want to die. I *am* dying....I have poisoned our love and await death. I have not been on this side of judgement; I have shown mercy to those who have sinned as I....I have also raged against their transgressions.... Now I sit in wait of mercy or punishment. The heart of my love is heaven and I deserve to be cast out.

Multiple Personality Order

We all help each other to get through the day....face various situations.... deal with different people and the variety of moods that *they* have....I don't know what I'd do without my other mees. I'm not sure how that's supposed to be spelled. Mies?....Meas?!....whatever the plural of the word "me" is. I'm glad when Ronn is in charge; he gets shit done. We'll all be ok if he's at the helm*^_^ We're less likely to get into trouble. Veronica's going to get us killed one day....she's beautiful and creative, but fuck damnit, why does she always have to party so hard?!!!! She has no off switch and it's exhausting being her. The weekend blurs itself into one loooooooong endless day....Veronica drinks a lot and scares Marsha... Marsha looks up to Veronica....Veronica wishes she could hide her wild revelry from the rest of us. Marsha is a childlike conscience. She just wants everything to be ok....but nothing gets done and we're all afraid of hurting her and we won't leave her behind because she needs us and trusts us. Marsha could sit and draw or read all day....she communicates well with animals and other children. How could anyone hurt her? She doesn't have it in her to be malicious or cruel, and as a result, the rest of us get fucked over in life. Rose is the mamma....or more like a grandmother(?)....she's quiet and has lived her life, I guess. She doesn't join in much of anything that anyone else is doing. She's all about health and safety....I wish I had a mother like her, who was tender and understanding. Not vicious and evil like the woman who raised me. While Rose endeavours to understand the inner workings and past traumas of other people, Veronica has had enough of being manipulated and has her guard up so high, that she blocks us all in this emotional fortress and all that matters to us is what goes on within it, because we can't see anything else....and no one else can see what's going on inside, unless there is a breech, or if Veronica opens a window or a door. Marsha doesn't understand why Veronica is in charge of who comes in or goes out of said fortress, but it's not for her to understand. It's just her job to alert one of us of an intruder or of possible danger.

Michael 1

Throw a woman on the ground How many times did you strangle her before? How many insults to her beauty did she endure? Breed her and cheat on her ass....lie and take for granted her capacity to love.... Create havoc every day that you are lucky enough to live.

Wisdom

Michael

Abandon the child that came from your unity ....speak ill of her and her mother as though your misfortune was their fault.... Less than a man....yet possessing the ability to create life. Less of a man than the woman you bred.... Less of a man than the daughter you once fed. Less of a human being than the dog who watched over your sleeping child.... ....while you were selfish....ruthless....wicked and wild. The personification of every negative stereotype..... You....who hails jesus as your king. Feigned righteousness and a grandiose sense of self.... Resplendent....captivating....such a foolishly wielded mastery of womankind.... ....yet only the ones who for whatever reason are blind. Eyes open....I see you for what you are....a deluded fool....feasting upon the spirits of the misguided Behaving as though ignorant.....yet knowing that your circumstances are the result of your own labour. Bemoaning the consequences met you.... Casting blame every which way but your own. So loud is the moaning of your own self-pity that you cannot even hear the moaning of those who suffer because of you. Perceiving only your own losses and angst.... So wrapped up in yourself that the lives of everyone affected by your worn hands are undetected.... Playing so well the role of the victim....yet accusing others of and despising others for doing the same....when they are *well* within their rights. How dare you cry foul when I or anyone else complains of how frequently and casually you defecate on our lives?! Hear us....and cringe with regret. This is remorse. From the truth....you cannot hide. In the truth....we *all* abide. This reality....created by choices of individuals in power....you....you who once seemed wise....this reality is yours. You stand surrounded by the rubble of lives destroyed and have the gaul to be annoyed. Your violence against your fellow beings crippled them....and has ended up destroying you. Your carelessness and selfishness became your own noose. You have shot yourself with a weapon of your own creation....your manhood....which you once prized and wielded with such pride, is now your detriment. How awesome must be your regret at the realization of this. While the child you reject flourishes despite your neglect....and the woman who bore her rises above you....living, loving and free. And she revels not in your despair....yet wishes no more ill. The suffering has been enough. Learn! Learn, accept and grow! ....for the sake of the innocent.

Cunnilingus And

http://mytinysecrets.com/how-to-eat-pussy-a-magical-guide-for-evolved-people/

Article On Platonic Frienships (Via The Frisky).

http://m.thefrisky.com/tag/platonic-friendship/#!/entry/view/id/30215

Yet also underlying the Lucifer myth is the implicit psychopathy of Yahweh, a god so jealous and incapable of self control, so lacking in maturity that he could accept no challenge, and wreaked havoc on those who stood up to him. Is Lucifer the evil one - or Yahweh? Lucifer, the 'Light-Bearer', the bright Morning Star - and not the hateful embodiment of evil, Satan - represents the eternally questing, challenging and evolving mind of humanity, the spirit of progress and equality. 

Red, White and Blue

I'm struggling with "am I a good woman, or a stupid woman".... Why be faithful to men who are so wrong?.... Enticing words spoken....a heart once again broken. Time wasted....reality tasted! Drowning in what seemed like love; attracted to the near-death experience of it....I can't get enough. Captive to the madness and gambling with my heart, soul and mind.

Universe At Large

I claim peace for my heart today

Exuding love and inspiration

With a heart of gratitude I'll fly

And give the world the best of me.

Here on in, taking only what I need

Nothing slowing me down as I keep loving

I'll remember the world out there

that needs what only I can be

Because I am a part of the Universe at large

And the Universe is a part of me

I live what I know and the more I give the more I have

And I've learned that I'm a part of everything.

It all happens in a tiny blip of time

But it feels like forever while it's now

If I could be a part of someone else

I could live forever....

I can only do what I can do

So I'd better be the best me I can be

Pour my heart and soul into infinity

Because I am a part of the Universe at large

And the Universe is a part of me

I live what I know and the more I give the more I have

And I've learned that I'm a part of everything.

Challenge Accepted

Well if I wasn't over it before, I certainly am now! Onwards and upwards from here!

Holidays have come and gone....people have been born and have died....I mark the passing of time without a significant other....admired by many; living life as a sexy single mother. One day, leathered skin and hair of grey and white....they will replace my smooth chocolate skin and desire to satisfy anyone's sexual appetite. Then I will feast upon memories and make myself sick from "should have been's" and "used to be's". I am determined to dance upon that which I purge from my soul....so putrid and toxic....infernal anger and too-bitter regret.... I long for that day....but I am not there yet. I am still unwise in so many ways....making poor choices and wasting precious days. Observing the inhabitants of a world in which I don't fit....and wondering and wandering and falling into pit after cleverly hidden pit. With every fall and struggle to climb, I lose feathers from my wings and they bend and break.

Play

Reply To His Poem From The Last Time We Saw Each Other

I want to call you.... I want to text you.... I want to meet you.... I want to eat you.... I want to grab you.... I want to have my way with you.... I want to scratch you..... I want to smash you.... I want to hide you.... ....while I ride you.... I want to keep you.... I want to sleep with you.... I want to drown in you.... I want to go down on you.... I need to have you.... I need to love you.... I need to own you.... Please let me call you....

From Him To Me....

I watched her dance for a while Watched her move She smiled at her neighbour, she raised her arm as she sang Feeling the words feeling the music She noticed me and backed herself into me The electricity could have lit a stove It did in my belly and my groin and my heart I brushed against her shoulder Her skin- softer than any baby’s I longed to touch it again To smell it to kiss it to eat it to devour it I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close we moved together When she couldn’t take it anymore she took me by the hand to a quiet place We embraced and kissed deeply – our hearts melting into one – like so many times before Wandering hands and lips and tongues – then STOP! Before we fall to the ground…. We part with a smile and a heavy heart….we wish it could last. I race home I run upstairs to the shower and under warm rain we make passionate love in my mind under a waterfall and we explode! Fall asleep in each other’s arms…..

Sometimes I feel as though I shouldn't live anymore.... When I find myself lost in that dark place, I try to find people to be surrounded by until the seduction of death loses it's grip on my body. I just run....I don't always know where I'll end up....I just run. Just run until I find people with love to spare, who can respawn my spirit.... It's a gamble each time, because what if instead of finding hope, I find more pain?.... Up until *this* point, I have been lucky.

Purge Time! Gotta Make Space And Get Rid Of Everything You Shit On....

Had I known that you merely wanted someone to fuck as casually as one would smoke a cigarette, I would have steered clear away.

Once upon a time, there was an ugly duckling who nobody wanted.... She grew into a swan, admired by many and wanting only one.... No amount of preening and flapping garnered his attention; Yet she circled wherever she thought he might be, ears peeled for any mention Of interest....of desire....of even the slightest consideration.... The swan was ready to dive toward the one she loved without any hesitation.

I exist as both dark and as light.... Both fierce and timid, with gentle might. I hide in broad daylight in the midst of all that is true.... That is why no one has ever found me....no one, except for you.

I spent 16 years with a guy who treated me like shit and who *continues* to treat me like shit. There must be something wrong with me for him to treat me so terribly, to the point where he is so incredibly obsessed with continuing the torture and hurting our daughter and not giving a shit whether or not our young boys are in the line of fire. So to be told that I am "beautiful" hurts. I simply think that there is something wrong with you, that you don't see in me whatever my parents and my children's father thought was worthy of squashing. The fear of loving completely claws at my flesh and warns me not to believe anything that anyone says....just accept any complements given with gracefulness and a smile and continue with my lone journey in life; I am all I have. I like to love and I like to give, but I dare not accept either from anyone.

So Dumb. Such Idiot; wow....

Always falling for the wrong people Then crying. Why the surprise though? At this point, my mind and body are in agreement; my heart is not to be trusted.... <_< Fuck my beating heart....I have been led into countless episodes of trouble thanks to the recklessness of my heart's pursuits..... And how much more can I lose because of my heart's desires and childish expectations? ....What's left, I cannot spare. Indulging people who seem to be able to fulfill needs and wants....yeah, only to find out that they only wish to fulfill their own. I'll hand it to myself though; I'm good at cleaning up....after being fucked over by an assortment of people who claim to care about me.... And me being me, I don't want to be snide....but the uncertainty and the painful feeling of being mocked rouses a beast within me.... My consciousness stirs and bursts through the tight lid I try to keep on my emotions. To those who are new to me, the eruption of my truth is always seemingly sudden....they have no idea how long the pressure was building. To the curious innocents who dare stand too close to the geyser, my spirit cries out in horror as they are impaled with shards of my uncontained emotional fallout.