Held

My days are more like 2 cups, one girl Two cups of rum. Every day....from morning, right through the day.... to the beginning of the next day's light Until dreaded Sleep knocks me out to torture me with dreams that feel too real. The sweet embrace of alcohol....always the same....doing it's job and keeping me sane. Predictable and reliable; my best friend....keeper of the truth about the source of my pain. In company good or bad....or alone....I bless my spirit with spirits each day and I am stronger, even though my past is here to stay and the memories I hate never go away. Under the spell of alluring drink I bare more than I could otherwise.... My mind, relaxed and free....my body tricked into believing that I have more energy. Skipping from task to task....floating....sometimes zombie-like....but so long as whatever I need to do gets done.... Providing people with reasons to smile and have fun. Nod when appropriate; focus on the face....provide the right reaction and say what needs to be said.... Just don't imbibe too much, for fear of appearing dead.... This is how I get along with the world, and how the world gets along with me. No chance of navigating this hell without drinking....fuck sobriety. Life is too hard when everything hurts....the mind wanders to past failures and plays each one in a loop.... Then I hate myself and my history and I'm crippled with regret. Alcohol helps me to drag myself on, although I don't ever forget. It helps me to continue because I must.... It also helps me to feign normalcy and trust. When sober, I'm afraid of love and closeness of any kind.... I've been well trained to guard myself fiercely against allowing anyone into the sanctum of my heart, soul and mind. But sweet alcohol aids the flow of feelings....of peace and of sex.... Sufficiently detached so I can handle whatever comes next. Detached, yet more a part of things had I not been drinking.... Aware I can control the emotions that cloud my thinking. Able to live with the things I hate about the world and other people and myself. Able to put doubt and fear up on an invisible shelf. Unhindered by intrusive thoughts of wrongful deeds done to me....and worse; of deeds I've done. Now filled with the comforting calm of alcohol.... Every limb calm....breathing slowed.... My day has now begun. I can be me....the me I want to be....not the versions of me I can't stand. I can go ahead with each duty that lays before me as planned. Topping up as the day goes on to prevent wretchedness from seeping in.... Rationing my supply and abating my legion of problems within. My inner demons, bad and good, clamor less....or at least, not as loud.... And I can find my way through the ether of my day, held by inebriation's sweet and foggy cloud.