So I could have deleted any and all incriminating phone messages and texts like a more savvy cheater....I could have paid more attention in my high school drama classes so that I would be a much more convincing liar....I could have put more effort into locating a Delorean, a Mr. Fusion and a flux capacitor for my time machine....or I COULD HAVE NOT BEEN SUCH A SCARED LITTLE WENCH AND BROKE THINGS OFF UNEQUIVOCALLY AND ASKED IF SHE UNDERSTOOD WHAT I HAD TOLD HER MY GODD; WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!!! I revered the Amazon chick I briefly dated after J and I broke up the first time....she's beautiful, intelligent and generous, but she's thick as a brick! And malicious as fuck!!!! I don't know what she told J.... (he went through my phone and got her info and had messaged her)....he is under the impression that Amazon and I were still involved sexually with each other after our relationship was back on again. I told that wench that I couldn't be with her anymore. I told her I was still in love with J....she knew this! Now she's trying to get back at me by being bitchy with me and lying to him. But I guess I deserve it, because I cheated on J in ancient times with the guy I was dealing with before him. I need to stop beating myself up about this. In the future, I should stick to my thing of not dating anyone until I am sure that I am over the person from before. I can't handle residual feelings. I was so ashamed for having residual feelings for the ex before J and I didn't know how to tell J that I wasn't over the ex. But then like an IDIOT I hung out with the ex as though nothing would come of it. Of course he and I still had fire for each other. I should have stayed away after I tried to be with J. Then the fling with May....that was obviously just a fling of convenience. She was very interesting and beautiful, she comforted me a bit.... I tried to comfort her about how she felt about her ex and how she felt about her looks, only to be met with "oh but I need him in my life....I know he treated me like shit but he's so wiiiiiiiiise and conscious.....he's right; I *am* genetically inferior because I'm a redhead and I have a skin disease I can't help and I can't stand in the sun for more than a minute and I *am* fat and will always see myself that way....you couldn't *possibly* understand....I'm only beautiful when I wear a shit ton of makeup, so shut the fuck up because I'm NOT pretty at ALL...." etc....there was so much more. The self-loathing was so strong with that one.
Now this chick is going to act as though she knew nothing about my feelings for J. She's trying to cover her monumental ass by telling J that I never mentioned him. Why though? I was NOT WITH J WHEN SHE AND I WERE TOGETHER; IS SHE STUPID?! It doesn't surprise me....actually, she quite possibly might not have heard a single thing I said while I was seeing her because god KNOWS THAT WOMAN NEVER SHUTS UPPP!!!! She talks ten times as much as she listens and that was *THE MOST* frustrating thing about dealing with her. And you couldn't correct her about anything. She couldn't HEAR YOU OVER HER OWN INCESSANT CHATTER, HOLY FUCK!!!!
Anyway, I don't usually throw people under busses, but I have nothing to lose now and since I'm all about honesty the way that junk-food gorging witch is all about datt bass, and this is my blog, I'm telling it like it is without apology.
Now J is bopping around town believing whatever stuff and nonsense M told him in her little fit of jealousy.
In future, I will give myself time to get over an ex. I will NEVER again deal with someone who talks too much and doesn't listen, and I most certainly won't be dealing with anyone who is so jealous that they'd prefer the lies of a scorned ex-girlfriend than whatever truth comes from me.
It's like every time I deal with someone, there's a new laundry list of shit to nope the fuck away from. I guess that's life though, and it's a good idea to learn and carry whatever lesson has been learned forward. Soon there'll be no one left for me to date lololl....
Right now, I know for sure that I am manic. And I am afraid of what I might do if my anguish over this situation becomes too great for me to bare. I need to move the fuck on from this chapter before I do something I won't even live to regret.
It feels a bit better to have purged all of this from my soul.
No one benefits from me continuing to emotionally flog myself.
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