Destroy And Rebuild

Everything fucking hurts, and it's killing me to walk away from the mess I've made. I can't stop feeling the weight of the guilt.....But I have to move on from here and commit to being a better person. How do I do that knowing the pain I've caused another person? I really disappointed myself, because the person I was when I was able to cheat and put effort into acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened is NOT the person I wanted to be. I'm teetering between thoughts of suicide and putting every scrap of energy I have into taking steps toward being a better person. Thoughts of my responsibility to my kids forces me to shun the idea of killing myself....if not for them, I'd do it because I'm tired of carrying the weight of the pain from my past, as well as the guilt of breaking someone's heart. This camel's back can only carry so many straws. I can't look anywhere or go anywhere or hear anything without being reminded of the hope I felt that maybe J could be what they call "the one".. he had faults.. I should have been compassionate and put energy into helping him heal instead of running away from the challenge like a frightened child. I had hoped that in time, I'd lose all affection for D....I shouldn't have given in....I should have steered clear. Now every day is "woulda shoulda coulda"....I know what I did wrong; I'll never ever make this mistake again. People's hearts are fragile ..as was mine when I felt this same stab of betrayal years ago. I worry about J all the time. I feel like I should stab myself because of how badly I hurt him. I fell so shockingly far beneath my own standards. I don't like who I became, but I don't have to stay that way. I've already moved from that mindset....I shocked myself into changing. I'm glad that the version of me that was callous and deceptive is morphing into something else. I broke myself; now it's time to fix myself. This fragmented personality thing is no joke....I need to figure out what to do so that I can function around other people with less difficulty.