Held

My days are more like 2 cups, one girl Two cups of rum. Every day....from morning, right through the day.... to the beginning of the next day's light Until dreaded Sleep knocks me out to torture me with dreams that feel too real. The sweet embrace of alcohol....always the same....doing it's job and keeping me sane. Predictable and reliable; my best friend....keeper of the truth about the source of my pain. In company good or bad....or alone....I bless my spirit with spirits each day and I am stronger, even though my past is here to stay and the memories I hate never go away. Under the spell of alluring drink I bare more than I could otherwise.... My mind, relaxed and free....my body tricked into believing that I have more energy. Skipping from task to task....floating....sometimes zombie-like....but so long as whatever I need to do gets done.... Providing people with reasons to smile and have fun. Nod when appropriate; focus on the face....provide the right reaction and say what needs to be said.... Just don't imbibe too much, for fear of appearing dead.... This is how I get along with the world, and how the world gets along with me. No chance of navigating this hell without drinking....fuck sobriety. Life is too hard when everything hurts....the mind wanders to past failures and plays each one in a loop.... Then I hate myself and my history and I'm crippled with regret. Alcohol helps me to drag myself on, although I don't ever forget. It helps me to continue because I must.... It also helps me to feign normalcy and trust. When sober, I'm afraid of love and closeness of any kind.... I've been well trained to guard myself fiercely against allowing anyone into the sanctum of my heart, soul and mind. But sweet alcohol aids the flow of feelings....of peace and of sex.... Sufficiently detached so I can handle whatever comes next. Detached, yet more a part of things had I not been drinking.... Aware I can control the emotions that cloud my thinking. Able to live with the things I hate about the world and other people and myself. Able to put doubt and fear up on an invisible shelf. Unhindered by intrusive thoughts of wrongful deeds done to me....and worse; of deeds I've done. Now filled with the comforting calm of alcohol.... Every limb calm....breathing slowed.... My day has now begun. I can be me....the me I want to be....not the versions of me I can't stand. I can go ahead with each duty that lays before me as planned. Topping up as the day goes on to prevent wretchedness from seeping in.... Rationing my supply and abating my legion of problems within. My inner demons, bad and good, clamor less....or at least, not as loud.... And I can find my way through the ether of my day, held by inebriation's sweet and foggy cloud.

It's About That Time

We had a blast....we had good times

We made memories that could make the devil blush

We didn't match....but we didn't care

It was fun to shoot the shit with you all night

But as time went on....I knew the day would come

When I had to face the truth....we couldn't be.

We broke up..but held on..to love's frayed and tattered strings

But it's over, baby..I want you to set me free.

We were weird....no one understood

What you saw in me and what I saw in you

But when we were alone.. the night was ours

No one judging us..just you, me and the stars.

But the truth was there..any fool could see it coming

Glaring differences would mean we had to part

Why prolong the pain of breaking up?

It's over, baby..I need to set you free.

It was good, but no.... I mean it when I say "no more!"

It's about that time to bury whatever's left

No more "final times", because they always led to another....

No! I mean it, baby..I need you to set me free!

We need to set each other free....

It's about that time....

No more....

Goodbye.

Snorting Tylenol Whuuuuttt????!

(From the website Drugs.com) http://www.drugs.com/forum/general/effects-snorting-tylenol-advil-anyone-know-36883.html Panamarod said:09-17-2006 10:01 PM quote:Originally posted by rc2632Obviously we are going to punish him and separate him from the morons who are doing this. What I want to know is, what effect does snorting an analgesic have on the body? Do you get high? Numb? Anyone know?It burns the ever-loving-**** out of your nose and nothing more. I do have a suggestion, having gone through the drug thing with my parents. Don't distance yourself from your child by talking down him and don't try to control every facet of his life, that will only push him further and further away. It's parental instinct to want to direct him in the right way, but take a dog for instance. If you push a dog that's standing up, it's only natural for the dog to lean against your pressure. The same goes for the cocky confidence of adolescents. My parents strong armed me and it did nothing. I started warming up to them when they actually started 'caring' about what I was doing, instead of being afraid of what I was doing. You may say things to your son that make you both feel akward. Why is my mom/dad saying this to me, why aren't they pissed? Why didn't my son get irrate when I mentioned that? Trust me, if your kid is doing something illegal, he knows he is. And he expects you to punish him if you find out about it. Try surprising him. Be creative, don't just take a belt to him or slap him on the wrist and be pissed. Be curious and understanding. There are tons of parents out there who chastise their children and in a fearful panic say things they wouldn't otherwise say had the situation not involved drugs. But the sad fact is, drugs are scary and they can completely control a person. But not at first. Not at 14-years old. You kinda have to sit back and laugh... they're snorting tylenol. At least they're not diving right into cocaine or >>>>>>.Don't condone the behavior, but don't demonize it.Rod

..........

I feel as though no one wants to be around me if I'm not inebriated. I didn't realize how difficult this would be. I want to drink again so I don't feel so bad. And everyone I loved when I had a steady flow of liquor in my blood....maybe I didn't really love them (?)....I know for sure that they couldn't have loved, or even *known* me. If they met me for the first time today, I don't know what they'd think. Pretty much everyone I know drinks..but I NEED to. I have to so I can function. I'm not in my right mind right now. But I have to smarten up. This has gone on long enough.

Back & Forth

To and fro....
Insane passion to intense anger
Getting better and worse every time.
Yo-yoing each other's frayed heartstrings and whirling words without thought....
Good and terrible at different times and at once.
Healing and hurting....feeding and starving....
I love you and I hate you....I don't want to be without you; I want you in my life forever....
You sometimes give me hope....you hurl me into despair.
You're so much a part of my being; I can't get away from you....you're everywhere. You love me....you can't stand me.
You raise me up and you throw me down. You say such beautiful things, then you poison my heart....
While my soul screams for freedom, yet not wanting us to part.
Energizing....yet sometimes sapping the will to live....
Love....hate....apathy....and longing to forgive.
Forgiving and then throwing shit in each other's faces
A feigned sense of righteousness....until we put ourselves in each other's places. Love so good, yet sometimes fractious and bad....
The best and the worst experience I've ever had?
Trusting you cautiously....
Love so unbridled yet laiden with conditions....
Grateful for what seems like a new start with you....
Then drowning in regret and contrition. Held so close, I'm almost inside you.... Then pushed so far away that I can't find you.
Reconnecting....stronger each time.... Then disconnecting and punishing for each new crime.
Loving and gripping so tightly, we draw blood....
Then despising and drawing forth bitter tears....and drowning in the immense flood.
Then gripped with longing when we are apart....
Our minds, tormented, with these matters of the heart.
Uncertain about each other.....yet somehow sure
That what we have is a deep and true love, and that we can endure.

Small Grave

Walking slowly down the road Friggen raindrops pouring down Fighting thoughts and a heavy load Pissed about the muddy ground Then I took a look to my right Saw a tiny fresh dug grave.. Cars of the mourners in my sight A life gone, that no one could save. Misery replaced by respect and gratitude Perspective and a better attitude

Own Power

OUR kingdom come; OUR will be done.
This life is all we have; WE THINK, THEREFORE WE ARE!
Bask in our majesty; beauty of life.... Weep at destruction and violence and strife....
Sing praises to yourself....put not yourself down.
You have survived long....in your sorrows do not drown....
You have the power....keep yourself afloat....
You are your own saviour
Worship your autonomy!
Laughter, tears, joy and pain....
Bathe in your own sacred rain.

Agoraphobia

If I step outside, please don't hate me If I step outside, please don't bring up my past. If the ground beneath me fails to swallow me, don't stare at my imperfection.. I know I'm ugly..inside and out.. just please don't point that out.

The More You Know....

This is about vaginal soreness after sex. Useful info.... http://www.empowher.com/sex-amp-relationships/content/soreness-after-sex-how-avoid-it

Tea

I had tea before bed tonight and I don't feel awful..I hate drinking so much. Well....I don't hate it....I just wish I didn't drink as much as I do because I feel like I need to. Alcohol helps me a lot .... I need to get some sleep now

Counselling

That went ok today.....it's important to get help when you need it:3

Whip

I whip myself with the chain you gave me Crazy, yes, but I need to feel And I need to satisfy the need to feel the pain on my skin To know that everything is real.

4

For science! ....I did 4 lines of coke, and don't feel anything. Popped my coke cherry....I was expecting to feel good or something, but I guess I'm immune to shit like that:/ I just wanted to understand him a bit more....it was really no big deal; kind of a waste. I'm glad it wasn't my money that was wasted.... Off to bed I go.

Illusions

As long as I can maintain illusions, I can navigate the world. But....if anything shatters those illusions, I have to navigate as my true self and hope to dog that who I am is ok with the rest of the world. The real me can be very difficult to accept, especially since I am nutty as a fruitcake. I change throughout the day depending on which version of myself needs to be at the forefront. So one part of me can decide something, but unless the rest of me agrees, there can be chaos....I'll forget or disregard decisions one part of me has made because I am always changing. It's frustrating....for me and for the people in my life. I need to try to be in control of myself (myselves). I need to strengthen up so that I can get through life together....without leaving any of my selves behind, but with the understanding that the part of me best suited to make any given decision should be respected by the rest of me. People who are close enough to me to pick up on my "indecisiveness" see me as wishy-washy....they don't understand that who I am might be fighting with myself....arguing with another part of myself because the version of me that is present doesn't agree with something I've said or done ....I need time to confer with myself before making choices and sometimes it's crippling because time moves so quickly and I need to pause so that I can be sure within myself that I (all of me) agrees with a decision. Even simple choices like what to eat, what to wear (that usually takes super long), going shopping for ....well, anything, can be so crippling. I (we) thrive on predictability; when outside influences upset that, there's chaos in me. I wish everyone in the world understood....but very few people do. And it's too difficult to explain and difficult for people who know nothing about this sort of thing to understand. So I need to present illusions so that people have an idea of how to relate to me. This may seem dishonest....it is to a certain degree....but how much time do people really have to allow me to explain myselves and how much time do normal people give before forming a first impression of others? What always ends up happening is that after a while I am seen as an indecisive and dishonest person. But I'm afraid that if people knew the mees inside, they wouldn't stick with me as a whole and I'd be alone. Silly that, because I'm alone anyway, and after experiencing me, (us), I end up alone anyway:1 Very silly. I just don't want to have my opinions and decisions discounted if it's known that I struggle with this misunderstood aspect of who I am.

Yeeeeaaahhhhh....no.

Running from my own thoughts is more exhausting than actually running. There's nowhere to go, so I can stop and take a rest, and there's no end to it. My thoughts drag me everywhere. Exhausting as that is though, thinking is better than not thinking and merely acting on impulse. Why am I even putting this on here, who gives a fuck what I think lmao....

Aftermath

I feel so sorry I can't breathe.... There's no one to blame but myself

Dust yet unsettled....falls toward the ground....surrounding us with the aftermath of my carelessness.

I try to walk toward you ....tripping on broken heart's debris.....

Jagged edges ....cutting and causing pain ....I get up and try heading towards you again.

I could abandon this trek, abandon this place and this love for you.... I could avoid ever being cut apart by the jagged shards of our broken hearts ....I just don't.... because I love you.

I see your silhouette in a cloud of dust.... How could I cause the explosion that destroyed your happy place?.... Smouldering and covered in ash....I make out a look of disbelief on your still beautiful face....my dearest silhouette....becoming my light.... drawing me near.

I can't get close to you fast enough....damn the debris on the ground and the thick clouds of dust that slow my pace.... Yet I try not to crush anything that lays beneath my feet in case you want to rebuild....I pray to the Universe that you do.... Finally before you, I see the effects of what I've done....all over your body....your beautiful, beautiful face....

Covered in ash and dirt ....spattered with the blood of your sweet heart....how can I continue to live with what I've done? I search you for forgiveness ....a gift I know I don't deserve.

At this moment, I tell myself, "Look what I've done!"....I ask myself, "Can any of this be rebuilt? How can I prevent this mess from ever happening again? ....should I just take my own life?....will you take it from me?.... What will ease the pain I have caused....tidy up the mess I have created? How can I repair and heal the people whose hearts I have maimed?"

I decide to sacrifice myself....I don't deserve another chance. And to be honest....I'm tired of living....exhausted from trying to make peace with myself and all others around me....but mainly with myself.... I can't live with me after what I've done to you.

From between your lips come words of peace....your voice, a melody that at once blesses and chokes me....my arrested heart fails to keep me strong. This is judgement I have earned and brought upon myself. I accept my fate in silence ....fading into the vapours of your memories of me.

You are the last thing I experience of this world before passing into the next....

My empty shell....all but left.

More Ugh

See these scars? They represent The turmoil in my life....pain and resentment. Hatred and anger taken out on my skin Always the result of letting outsiders in. Fear of death....yet hatred of living.... Dying for love, yet tired of giving. Tired, maybe because I just can't do it My personality is just not strong enough to see me through it. Lamenting the me that I used to be.... Brimming with hope and positivity

Balls Of Blue.

Take me to heaven..cast me back into hell

A familiar place I know so well.

Frequent flyer miles on this ride

I cashed them in when you cast me aside.

Everything so familiar; it's always the same....

Yet knowing what to expect, I always join the game

Each time hoping for a better end.

Insanity at it's finest....yet so easy to pretend

That things could be different the next time around

I've become an expert at hurtling to the ground.

"But you're so beautiful! ", people say

They've got no fucking clue, do they.

I'd trade my body and my face

For permanence and stability, so I can land on a soft place....

For a heart with whom I could safely intertwine....

For a soul that truly understood mine.

But every fucking time, this Russian roulette

Ends with me crying and wanting to forget

Mistakes made and chances taken

....it's long past time for my soul to awaken....

Realize it will always be this way....

And if I don't like the game, I just shouldn't play.

Editing My Speech (Mother Issues)

Maybe I shouldn't say that my mother is wicked and evil..she's had damage done too. It's like killing or at least hurting myself when I think of her. I wish she was sorry about everything because the parts of me that are so similar to her miss the beautiful things about her. I should probably start by talking to my dad because I miss him too. But I'm still so hurt by the things they said and did and I'm not sure if they'll ever change their opinion of me. Years worth of hurt ..well into adulthood.. I'm fighting with myself about this. Marsha's afraid of being hurt by them again because she's known them the longest. Rose is tired of being slapped emotionally by them and having to protect Marsha. Veronica is angry and would like to punch the living daylights out of my mother....she'd probably listen to dad. Ron awaits further instructions and the New part of me that is trying to negotiate everything between myselves is trying to convince us all to go in a new direction and be forgiving, the same way we've all been hoping to be forgiven by J. Side thought....maybe I should learn to see "god" as a concept, the same way as I see Lucifer. I've been fighting so hard to wash the christian out of me that I failed to keep the good things I learned from that religion. I'm still angry because of the hurtful things that have been done in the name of god/christianity though. Anyway, we started by thinking of my mother. I'd probably like to make peace with her, buy her flowers, bake and cook with her, hear her laugh and rest on her chest. I just don't ever want to feel the type of pain she caused me ever again. And she'd probably never accept who I am. I'd like to know why she did the things she's done....I'd love to accept any effort on her part to make those things right. It's been a year and a half though..I guess we're all used to the separation and I should probably leave well enough alone. Welp....that's the end of that emotional yo-yo....

Damn

I Little Dutch Boyed my feelings yesterday as best as I could, but then things got to a point where I just couldn't any more.

Pretty Bird

Who knows what this bird is going through; I bet he/she hears that he/she is beautiful all the time....in languages he/she can't understand. I think that this bird is a type of heron.

Hearts

Mistakes made....lessons learned

Hearts broken....bridges burned.

Life lived....love lost

Dues paid at a very high cost.

Skin bleeding....scars formed

New love found....heart rewarmed.

Memories haunting.....tears cried

Music healing the love that died.

Feelings mixed....a broken heart

Fate accepted.....a new start.

Yearning for peace....fighting to live

New chapters....more love to give....

Still alive....facing new days

Learning new, healthier ways

Embracing demons....forgiving self

Thoughts of dying placed on a shelf.

Surviving me....lamenting you

Endless torture I need to work through.

Moments fleeting.....life goes on yet....

Episodes weathered....still willing to bet

For love is so precious, and so dear

I'll give life another chance for another year.

Who knows what else life will bring

More reasons to live and more reasons to sing?..

Never forgetting the pain I live....

The pain I've caused and the love I give.

The life I've made is the life in me

While my demons keep me company.

Life is heaven and also hell

A lesson I learned the hard way so well!

Hoping the best.....setting you free

Creating peace with the demons in me.

Looking forward....occasionally back

Emotional debris....tossed in a sack.

Shooting a flare of love in the air

Hearts healing and taking better care.

Article On Forgiveness

From this website: http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-do-you-forgive-yourself/00016908

Did your actions reflect your true values? If not, trace your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions that led to your actions. Think about what may have led you to abandon your values. Notice that you hurt yourself when you violate your values. This actually causes more harm than disappointing someone else.How did your actions affect you and others? Whom did you hurt? Include yourself on the list.Think of ways to make amends. Take the action, and make them. For example, if the person is dead, you can write a letter of apology. You can also decide to act differently in the future.

.......

Would you forgive someone else for the same actions? Why would you treat yourself differently? How does it benefit you to continue to punish yourself?Remorse is healthy and leads to corrective action. Think about what you’ve learned from your experience and how you might act differently today.Write yourself an empathic letter of understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness.Repeat on a daily basis words of kindness and forgiveness from your letter, such as, “I’m innocent,” “I forgive myself,” and “I love myself.”Share honestly with others what you did. Don’t share with those who might judge you. If appropriate, talk about what happened in a 12-Step group. Secrecy prolongs guilt and shame.