Evolution

Trazodone and Cipralex; y u no help?!

After that last breakdown, I feel as though a piece of me is just ....gone.  Like I've been shot in the head and a part of who I am has died.  The part of me that felt motivation and was able to motivate and inspire the rest of me is gone and I can't seem to find it....I'm so frustrated.   I don't want to believe that all that's left of me is all there ever will be....I'm terrified of not having any fire in me again.  There's no more spunk; I feel tired and anxious all of the time.  I'm not me....I'm someone else who I don't even know.  I don't understand what's left.  I'm afraid to document these feelings because what if I lose anyone else in my life, or what if the way I feel is only temporary?  What if I'm worried about nothing?  ....but then again, I'm more afraid that this version of me is really all that's left after I snapped a few weeks ago....or could it just be the medication I'm on?  I don't know; all I do know is that I'm not someone I know.  I feel like I've been placed into someone else's life and I'm expected to fill their role and I just have a script to go by....with their costume and makeup....I don't like this feeling of uncertainty.  I feel as though everyone knows more than I do and I'm lost with a poorly-drawn map.  I still love my children, my dog and the people I loved before, so that's good....I just need to find my fuse, I guess.  Maybe some more exercise will help....I hope so.  And I think I should nix these pills....they are taking away more than they're giving. 

Adopting two puppies at once

http://www.whole-dog-journal.com/issues/13_1/features/Problems-Adopting-Two-Puppies-At-Once_16190-1.html?pg=3&zkPrintable=1&nopagination=1

Pascal's wager

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pascal's_Wager

<3

In losing my heart to him, I am finding a better part of myself. J is the best type of person....a good friend and so unbelievably kind.  I didn't believe that anyone like him could possibly exist. 
With respect to the love he has shown me and the optimism he has brought into my life, I must not give up on myself and render any of his efforts with me in vain.  It's long past time for me to earn my own respect.  I need that before I can expect it from anyone else again.
This is the beginning of moving forward. 
If I have lost his heart for good, I can't let that be the end of me.  And while I firmly believe that J deserves the best of everything, I need to continue to work toward becoming the type of person who deserves the best as well. 

New Life

I don't know what the new me will be
The old me had to go.
I'm not myself any more; of this I am glad.
I need to learn to be ok with sometimes feeling sad.
....keeping in mind that good feelings will eventually come.
....no longer drowning my sorrows in copious amounts of beer and rum.
Facing things for what they are in fact
Handling my problems with wisdom and tact.
Weathering life's storms instead of hiding from the rain
Relying on my inner strength to get through my pain.
Considering the feelings of others before I act....
Carefully weighing my options before I react.
Time to rise like a phoenix with life anew
....repair whatever damage I've done to me and you.

I think my guts are melting.

So I could have deleted any and all incriminating phone messages and texts like a more savvy cheater....I could have paid more attention in my high school drama classes so that I would be a much more convincing liar....I could have put more effort into locating a Delorean, a Mr. Fusion and a flux capacitor for my time machine....or I COULD HAVE NOT BEEN SUCH A SCARED LITTLE WENCH AND BROKE THINGS OFF  UNEQUIVOCALLY AND ASKED IF SHE UNDERSTOOD WHAT I HAD TOLD HER  MY GODD; WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!!! I revered the Amazon chick I briefly dated after J and I broke up the first time....she's beautiful,  intelligent and generous, but she's thick as a brick!  And malicious as fuck!!!!  I don't know what she told J.... (he went through my phone and got her info and had messaged her)....he is under the impression that Amazon and I were still involved sexually with each other after our relationship was back on again.  I told that wench that I couldn't be with her anymore.  I told her I was still in love with J....she knew this!  Now she's trying to get back at me by being bitchy with me and lying to him.  But I guess I deserve it, because I cheated on J in ancient times with the guy I was dealing with before him.  I need to stop beating myself up about this. In the future, I should stick to my thing of not dating anyone until I am sure that I am over the person from before.  I can't handle residual feelings.  I was so ashamed for having residual feelings for the ex before J and I didn't know how to tell J that I wasn't over the ex.  But then like an IDIOT I hung out with the ex as though nothing would come of it. Of course he and I still had fire for each other. I should have stayed away after I tried to be with J. Then the fling with May....that was obviously just a fling of convenience. She was very interesting and beautiful, she comforted me a bit.... I tried to comfort her about how she felt about her ex and how she felt about her looks, only to be met with "oh but I need him in my life....I know he treated me like shit but he's so wiiiiiiiiise and conscious.....he's right; I *am* genetically inferior because I'm a redhead and I have a skin disease I can't help and I can't stand in the sun for more than a minute and I *am* fat and will always see myself that way....you couldn't *possibly* understand....I'm only beautiful when I wear a shit ton of makeup, so shut the fuck up because I'm NOT pretty at ALL...." etc....there was so much more.  The self-loathing was so strong with that one.  

Now this chick is going to act as though she knew nothing about my feelings for J.  She's trying to cover her monumental ass by telling J that I never mentioned him.  Why though?   I was NOT WITH J WHEN SHE AND I WERE  TOGETHER; IS SHE STUPID?!  It doesn't surprise me....actually, she quite possibly might not have heard a single thing I said while I was seeing her because god KNOWS THAT WOMAN NEVER SHUTS UPPP!!!! She talks ten times as much as she listens and that was *THE MOST* frustrating thing about dealing with her.  And you couldn't correct her about anything.  She couldn't HEAR YOU OVER HER OWN INCESSANT CHATTER, HOLY FUCK!!!!  

Anyway, I don't usually throw people under busses, but I have nothing to lose now and since I'm all about honesty the way that junk-food gorging witch is all about datt bass, and this is my blog, I'm telling it like it is without apology.  

Now J is bopping around town believing whatever stuff and nonsense M told him in her little fit of jealousy.  

In future, I will give myself time to get over an ex. I will NEVER again deal with someone who talks too much and doesn't listen, and I most certainly won't be dealing with anyone who is so jealous that they'd prefer the lies of a scorned ex-girlfriend than whatever truth comes from me. 

It's like every time I deal with someone,  there's a new laundry list of shit to nope the fuck away from. I guess that's life though, and it's a good idea to learn and carry whatever lesson has been learned forward.  Soon there'll be no one left for me to date lololl....

Right now, I know for sure that I am manic. And I am afraid of what I might do if my anguish over this situation becomes too great for me to bare.  I need to move the fuck on from this chapter before I do something I won't even live to regret.  

It feels a bit better to have purged all of this from my soul.  

No one benefits from me continuing to emotionally flog myself. 

 

Something something.

:O......:).......;).......#:-s.......:*.......<3........:D.........</3........:'(.......>:O........:(.........:s.........:&..........X_X.........=-c.........:s.........:*..........<3.... </3.... ಠ_ಠ....✨ :O......:).......;).......#:-s.......:*.......<3........:D.........</3........:'(.......>:O........:(.........:s.........:&..........X_X.........=-c.........:s.........:*..........<3.... </3.... ಠ_ಠ....✨

Eventually I will be ok.
One way or another, either because I've moved on from this dark place in life, or death takes me, my body will stop reacting so strongly to thoughts of him and I will stop seeking experiences, images, sounds etc. that remind me of him.  He wants to be free of me and has understandably removed his light from my heart.
I W A I T....
I will adjust in time.

I hate having to be this intensely introspective, but I'd be doing myself a huge disservice if I didn't reflect on what I have learned. 

Trying to protect someone from knowing things that they want to know but that I know will hurt them to know....is a bad idea. If they find out on their own or from other sources, they will see my silence as a betrayal. 

I have lost the trust and respect of someone who could have been a partner in my life.  I loved him so much and saw a future with him, his daughter and my children. The kind of love we had was incredibly rare and I don't think I'll ever find such a connection again. 

While he is not my love any more, I still have to continue on the path that he showed me to becoming a better person.  I don't like a lot of what I've learned about myself because of the light he shone in the darkest corners of who I am.  I have to be honest and reconstruct certain aspects of my personalities.  This seems as daunting as trying to clean the home of a hoarder.  But for my own good and for the sake of anyone else who tries to be near me, I have to purge a lot of what's inside me that is holding me back from being able to be close with anyone.
....or I could just as easily continue as I have been and struggle with relationships for the rest of my life.  Both options are difficult and require a tremendous amount of work. I just have to commit to no longer doing what I have been so used to for so long.  I'm so used to hiding the ugly parts of myself instead of fixing them....the same way I find ways to store crap in my apartment that I might not need or that I'm just afraid to move on without....and just like when the mess becomes so great that I wave my hands at people and say, "no no no....don't come in....don't walk there....watch out for the...."
That's exactly what I've been doing with my heart.  Now instead of my heart being a warm and inviting place,  it's a warehouse of junk....cluttered and dangerous.  J tried to make a home for himself in there and I was guarded and anxious....trying to avert his attention from things I didn't want him to see.  If something would catch his attention, I'd wave my hands at him and say "no no no....don't look at that; look at this instead....don't sit there; sit here...."
You can only do that to someone for so long before they seek, then find, the opportunity to investigate without your interference, especially someone as keen on knowing the facts of any matter as J is. 

In a way, the last couple of days of hell I have been going through is a good thing because I have no choice but to admit these things about myself.  Now I can either continue as I have been, which benefits absolutely no one, or I can really get to work on tidying myself up....and this time, when the momentum on that gets going, stick with it instead of leaving areas of myself still festering with unchecked crap.  And I have to commit to staying clean inside. 

....then I might actually like myself for a change, and be ok with inviting people in.

Me minus the fat

I don't like myself at all. I feel like giving up. I'm writing here so I don't have to share these feelings with anyone I know. I'm really empty though. There's just nothing.

Scmmurasf

You said you had a problem with letting go; I do as well. I suspect that you might see this part of me in yourself. We both feel very deeply and are both extremely emotional and vulnerable. I see this in you and I'm weak before it, because I've never known a man to be so strong yet so gentle. I honestly didn't believe that such men existed in real life. That said, you also have the ability to hurt my feelings by using my own against me. I don't enjoy emotional warfare.
I needed to trim loose ends and didn't want to discuss that with you because it would just be something else for you to worry about and possibly throw in my face. I had hoped that once the loose ends were gone, I could focus on you and that we'd be ok.
You spat an "apology" at me last night as an example of what one was....thanks; I had no idea.  You said you didn't want to hear any more of my apologies, and quite frankly, I'm tired of giving them.

No more life

The unsettling feeling in my stomach all day....just way too much anxiety today. Unable to focus and every thought I have leads me back to him.
This level of anxiety is intolerable..I should see a doctor.
I hate myself so much. I HATE being me. Anytime something happens on my phone, my guts stretch, pull and turn inside of me because I think I might be getting a message from him.  It hasn't even been a day and I feel as though a piece of me has been amputated.  I really do hate myself. 
I hate feeling things....fuck them. I just don't want to feel anything. I'm in a dark place and I'm not even afraid to be here. It just feels like this is where I belong.  I've done the worst things ..I never wanted to be this sort of person. I feel stupid. I don't understand anything. I don't want to see or hear anything else. I have been the victim of idiots and I have victimized people with my own idiocy. I won't take my life this close to my son's birthday; I need to pick a suitable date and time. I already know where, I'm just not sure how. I can't believe I'm researching this. Yes I can.

But what I really wanted to say was....

I'm going to die if I can't be near you. I love you and don't want to lose you. I'm insanely sad and can't handle my feelings right now. I'm overwhelmed and just don't want to live any more if there's an absence of you every day for the rest of my life. I'm unaware of what's going on around me. I don't want to be a part of anything any more and would welcome an escape from this hell I've created.

Prayer n' shytt

http://whydoesntgodhealamputees.com/god5.htm

Why doesn't god heal amputees?

Well boo:(
*^_^

http://whydoesntgodhealamputees.com/important.htm

Love's Atrophy

Eyes wide..beholding a lot of nothing.
Heart in the grasp of icy ambivalence
Removed from experience
The spirit, now a vagabond in love's absence.
No sound....nothing....and love dies in my hands.
No skill to revive its fragile beauty
I silently accept its choking end.

Strength and gentleness