Eventually I will be ok.
One way or another, either because I've moved on from this dark place in life, or death takes me, my body will stop reacting so strongly to thoughts of him and I will stop seeking experiences, images, sounds etc. that remind me of him. He wants to be free of me and has understandably removed his light from my heart.
I W A I T....
I will adjust in time.
I hate having to be this intensely introspective, but I'd be doing myself a huge disservice if I didn't reflect on what I have learned.
Trying to protect someone from knowing things that they want to know but that I know will hurt them to know....is a bad idea. If they find out on their own or from other sources, they will see my silence as a betrayal.
I have lost the trust and respect of someone who could have been a partner in my life. I loved him so much and saw a future with him, his daughter and my children. The kind of love we had was incredibly rare and I don't think I'll ever find such a connection again.
While he is not my love any more, I still have to continue on the path that he showed me to becoming a better person. I don't like a lot of what I've learned about myself because of the light he shone in the darkest corners of who I am. I have to be honest and reconstruct certain aspects of my personalities. This seems as daunting as trying to clean the home of a hoarder. But for my own good and for the sake of anyone else who tries to be near me, I have to purge a lot of what's inside me that is holding me back from being able to be close with anyone.
....or I could just as easily continue as I have been and struggle with relationships for the rest of my life. Both options are difficult and require a tremendous amount of work. I just have to commit to no longer doing what I have been so used to for so long. I'm so used to hiding the ugly parts of myself instead of fixing them....the same way I find ways to store crap in my apartment that I might not need or that I'm just afraid to move on without....and just like when the mess becomes so great that I wave my hands at people and say, "no no no....don't come in....don't walk there....watch out for the...."
That's exactly what I've been doing with my heart. Now instead of my heart being a warm and inviting place, it's a warehouse of junk....cluttered and dangerous. J tried to make a home for himself in there and I was guarded and anxious....trying to avert his attention from things I didn't want him to see. If something would catch his attention, I'd wave my hands at him and say "no no no....don't look at that; look at this instead....don't sit there; sit here...."
You can only do that to someone for so long before they seek, then find, the opportunity to investigate without your interference, especially someone as keen on knowing the facts of any matter as J is.
In a way, the last couple of days of hell I have been going through is a good thing because I have no choice but to admit these things about myself. Now I can either continue as I have been, which benefits absolutely no one, or I can really get to work on tidying myself up....and this time, when the momentum on that gets going, stick with it instead of leaving areas of myself still festering with unchecked crap. And I have to commit to staying clean inside.
....then I might actually like myself for a change, and be ok with inviting people in.
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