All night for nothing

I stayed awake all night with you
....waiting for an opportunity
Waiting for you to want to go to bed..
Waiting for you to FUCK ME!!!!

I waited and waited and listened to you
Waiting for you to grab me
Longing and yearning and yearning and burning....
Waiting for you to TAKE ME!!!!

That look in your eyes....
Your magic smile....
The rumble of your voice....
The way you BITE YOUR LIPS; OH, GODDDD!!!!

Hours and hours and hours went by
....waiting for you to make a move on me
Birdies heralding the morning light....
And still you hadn't come on me?

I drank too much and I don't know why
Why the fuck am I so horny tonight?!!!!
With every word that you said I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO BED!
TAKE YOU TO BED SO YOU CAN FUCK ME!!!!

Your beard so soft....
Your smile so sweet....
I can't do myself
When you're right there and I want you so badly!

Biting myself to get it under control
Wishing that you were inside me
Biting and fighting and squirming and writhing
Imagining you underneath me.

And feeling so bad because why can't I
Calm right down and get the sleep I need?
I'm horny as fuck and I'm soaking wet
Desire is slowly choking me.
Sexual tension and energy.

Ugh

The downside to being this close to Mr. Magic, is that he is close enough to me to hurt me.  I don't enjoy our close times any more, because I am afraid of how far it is to plummet when things go wrong.  I'm afraid to feel as high as he used to make me feel....I'm too scared to relax and enjoy our romantic times. 
I know that times are not always going to be great, but we've hit some bumps and I'm shaken up. 
I don't want to feel like this about him....like I need to forget about him when we are apart, and zone out when we are together.
I don't like being "the woman" in a relationship.  I hate it.  I wish that our genders were reversed....
I want to be physically stronger, and be the one who tends to the emotions of the other, while she gently cradles mine. 
Sometimes I imagine myself as "the man", and Mr. Magic as my female partner.  I love her, and if I hurt her, nothing would be more important to me than putting things right in her heart again. 
If "Magic" were my wife, I would glorify her strengths, and *never* leave her feeling weak.  Lately, Magic has been losing me....I feel as though I am disappointing him.  Then I yearn all the more to be a physically and emotionally stronger and capable person.  A man. 
I would trade every perceived advantage I have as a reportedly pretty female, to be a man.  Because no one has made me feel content in a relationship with them whilst I am cursed with the hormonal inadequacies of a woman.  I bruise way too easily.... I hate this about myself. 
I thought that things were different with Magic, but I have been hurt by him in ways that will alter how close I allow myself to feel with him again. 
I don't want being with a man to be the death of the man in me.  The thought of that makes me angry.