No more life

The unsettling feeling in my stomach all day....just way too much anxiety today. Unable to focus and every thought I have leads me back to him.
This level of anxiety is intolerable..I should see a doctor.
I hate myself so much. I HATE being me. Anytime something happens on my phone, my guts stretch, pull and turn inside of me because I think I might be getting a message from him.  It hasn't even been a day and I feel as though a piece of me has been amputated.  I really do hate myself. 
I hate feeling things....fuck them. I just don't want to feel anything. I'm in a dark place and I'm not even afraid to be here. It just feels like this is where I belong.  I've done the worst things ..I never wanted to be this sort of person. I feel stupid. I don't understand anything. I don't want to see or hear anything else. I have been the victim of idiots and I have victimized people with my own idiocy. I won't take my life this close to my son's birthday; I need to pick a suitable date and time. I already know where, I'm just not sure how. I can't believe I'm researching this. Yes I can.