4, 5 & 9

I don't always openly communicate, I don't have much to offer/bring to the table I'm nuts because that friggen mad babydad solidified the inability to trust that I grew up with. Interesting. I'm always open to opportunities to learn something new....whether it be scientific or merely the spewings of a butthurt basement dweller. http://www.thesocialpulse.com/blog/top-9-reasons-girls-fk-up-relationships

OmigodsandgoddessesIthinkIhatemen....

@_@ I can't stand anyone after more than 2 1/2 weeks. I will now comb the internet to see if there has ever been any scientific research to back this up. I will also place an order for some remedy for the immense butthurt I am suffering from. There must be a support group out there for people who, like me, are too fucking injured from being tossed around in the game of love. Who knew it could get so dangerous! *^_^ To the WorldWideWeb!....

I'm Not That Kinda Girl....

I am a one person person; don't go for any of that "sharing" stuff....I'd be a jealous cow if I were in an "open" relationshit. Nope....I like my relationshits nice and *closed*....just me and my plaything. I know how it hurts to think of a partner slobbering all over someone else....I also know how much it really sucks to be a fantasy to someone who eventually goes home to their legitimate partner. Fair enough. For now, this chica's free as a bird; no one has laid claim to my booty (lol, sigh....I think I enjoyed that one a bit too much; I acutally "lol"ed out loud....*^_^)....anyboobs, I don't like it when the woman in the mirror refuses to look me in the eye because I'm in a stupid "love"(?) triangle....there's no role in such a drama that I would be happy in. Also, while I'm at it....cleaning out my closet and airing my linens.... I vehemently detest the idea of feeling as though I'm on anyone's back burner. I deserve to be happy alone, happy dating whomever I choose, happy keeping any current love-interests to myself without being periodically prodded by former lovers for any information on who else finds me interesting....(?)....couldn't think of a better word.... Whatever....this is my blog, and I just need to vent a bit today.... ....and no, D, this is not just about you. K, back to my life and my quest for happiness *<3*

Schmalentine's Day Poem :-P

Waxing crescent moon on mild ash Wednesday.... Stars are twinkling with fervor through the evening haze.... The planet Jupiter mightily owns my attention.... I'm losing myself in the beauty of it. I can't hear or see anything else around me.... You could have been standing there and I wouldn't have known.... I used to love you as much as the stars and the planets.... Now I'm mourning the loss of the love we had. I'm polluted inside and I wish I could sparkle.... Only resonating the light of pure love.... But there's so much anger and hurt inside me.... I sometimes wish the Universe would swallow me up. I ruin the beauty of the night with a cigarette.... I don't care that I don't have a Valentine.... I'd be lying if I said I wanted to see you.... It hurts to have to get over you every time. I thought about flying into the arms of another.... But after you, I have trouble trusting myself.... I'm afraid my heart will be crushed beyond recognition.... I've been through too much shit and it's mangled enough. I'm not blaming you....or beatinng myself up.... I'm just bathing in a sea of regret.... Life has dealt me a hand that I don't want to play with.... So I look to the stars for the strength to move on. Instead of wallowing in the mire of self-pity.... The optimist in me wants to find the beauty in life.... Heal my heart and repair the damage inside me.... Find a beacon of hope for someone else.....maybe. I've always thought that as long as there's life, there is always hope....I still believe.... I'm desperately looking for possibilities.... As the steadfast constellations shine brightly.... There's a part of me that's determined not to give up on me. It burns through despair and inspires courage.... It catches me when I've fallen down.... It pulls me back from the edge of total destruction.... In the still of the night, it's there when everyone's gone. The Heavens stoke the flames of my inner fire.... And from the ashes, my Spirit, like a phoenix soars.... High above all the doubt and fear that impedes me.... Gaining strength with every metre as I journey on. Everything I lost or gave away.... Everything that was taken without my permission.... Everything I wish I could find again.... Motivates me to move on. Everyone that might gain from my suffering.... Everyone who needs a beaconof hope.... Everyone who has been abaondoned.... I remember as I struggle on. The children around who look up to me.... And the inspiration of all of life's beauty.... The courage I absorb from the Universe.... Fuels my Spirit to move on.

My Love For You

I sent my love for you out into the night, whispering your name.... gazing at bright Jupiter as he ruled the sky....and from my core, it spiralled up towards forever....where the stars dance and the Universe captures souls.... My love for you became part of everything.... air, light and sound.... I sent it with a prayer that it would find you and surround you and fill you as you breathe. ....inhale deeply and hold me inside....know me as your chest rises and falls with each breath you take.... Return your love for me on a current of air....send it on a beam of light....whisper my name, sweet and low, and I will know you tonight, when your spirit fills me with your warmth and light.... My heart beats your name....each syllable deliberate and without pause. As the blood in our veins charges with Jupiter's might, and fuels an exchange of our love in the night, remember that distance and silence is nothing to fear.... My love for you floats on waves of sound, dances with the stars and is the anthem of the birds as they herald the dawn. Each flake of snow, every gust of wind that licks your face....the unfathomable expanse of our Universe.... Know my love by these things tonight and every night, until our souls are taken into the depths of the Great Universe....immeasurable and boundless as is my love for you.

From Feb 4

He wants to see me to say goodbye .... Then we'd see the pain in eachother's eyes and be filled with regret and longing etc., and we'd be right back to dealing with each other as undercover lovers. I hate this. I wish I could talk to my father about this.... Perhaps in an alternate universe, I have a father who is part Mufasa, part Professor Xavier and part Optimus Prime, and he would say: "You are worth so much more than this", and he would hold me and comfort me if I need to cry, or we could assemble some furniture together or paint a wall....

Not Beating Him Up

I can't stand the lack of contact and the unfairness of the arbitrary rules that go along with being whatever I am to him, so why put myself through that? I can't. Not any longer.... It sucked enough when calling/texting his phone was forbidden....then our "visits" became fewer and further between. What kind of relationship is it when someone flip-flops from one person to the next and relies on the co-operation of the illigitimate one not to blow the whole operation by overstepping boundaries that have been carefully constructed to preserve the status quo? I didn't sign up for that....I thought I had a shot with this gem of a man. I placed my bet on the fantasy of him being free and having him as a legitimate person in my life when he assured me on several occasions that he and his wife were "in the process of separating". This is exactly why I adopted the policy of only agreeing to date someone who had been at least a year out of their last significant relationship; overlooking that condition when the truth came out about the struggle he was having with being undecided about when and/or if he ought to leave his wife was my error. I shouldn't have compromised on that, but I did, and I have to accept responsibility for my part in the outcome. The reality of the situation is that this guy and I have a relationship that was based on a "white lie" (that he was single, and didn't live with his children's mother), and more lies and deception were piled on top of that in an attempt to sustain what he and I had....because we felt such passion for each other. Evidently, hot sex and a cosmically spiritual alignment do not a relationship make; the real stuff of life is what he had right at home. His gorgeous children and beautiful wife, a nice house, an extended family with whom he seems to get along.... I have nothing to offer him that could even come close to that. Obviously, the excitement of being adored by someone who didn't have to go home with him and with whom he shared none of life's real responsibilities must have been liberating for a man who felt trapped in a relationship with a woman who has known him long enough and knows him well enough to not be giddy with passion for him any more. Whatever their problems were and/or are, forging a relationship with someone else only adds to the negativity in a relationship that is already under threat of coming to an end. I wish that we could have just been friends instead, because that's what someone needs when they are in a relationship limbo with their spouse, not a fuckbuddy. It is unfortunately too late and I am emotionally too far in to be able to offer him that at this point. His wife has already marked me as a threat to her relationship with her husband, and rightly so. If he had dealt honestly with me, and the natural course of things had led he and his wife to separate, that would be different.... So much hurt has come from the selfishness of this affair/tryst/dance with the devil.... It will take some time before the injured parties can heal and move on. No one deserves to be cheated on, no one deserves to be led into believing that a potential love interest is single when in fact they are not, and no one should feel trapped in a relationship that requires a lifetime of communication. I do not hate Mr. Married Guy....he longs for intimacy the way any other human does. He just needs to be brave and honest about how he goes about getting that. If I compromise my own integrity, I am not worthy of the love I seek. I can only be responsible for myself and my choices from this point on regarding this situation. If he wants to be truly loved, he needs to prove himself worthy of that love by living by the courage of his convictions. How else can anyone trust him enough to love him, and love him enough to give him their trust?

So today's affirmation from the calendar is: "Determine to make the best of bad situations, and you will make your world a happier place. You will also attract more friends, because people are attracted to positive people." And *that* is *exactly* why I loved him.