Not Beating Him Up

I can't stand the lack of contact and the unfairness of the arbitrary rules that go along with being whatever I am to him, so why put myself through that? I can't. Not any longer.... It sucked enough when calling/texting his phone was forbidden....then our "visits" became fewer and further between. What kind of relationship is it when someone flip-flops from one person to the next and relies on the co-operation of the illigitimate one not to blow the whole operation by overstepping boundaries that have been carefully constructed to preserve the status quo? I didn't sign up for that....I thought I had a shot with this gem of a man. I placed my bet on the fantasy of him being free and having him as a legitimate person in my life when he assured me on several occasions that he and his wife were "in the process of separating". This is exactly why I adopted the policy of only agreeing to date someone who had been at least a year out of their last significant relationship; overlooking that condition when the truth came out about the struggle he was having with being undecided about when and/or if he ought to leave his wife was my error. I shouldn't have compromised on that, but I did, and I have to accept responsibility for my part in the outcome. The reality of the situation is that this guy and I have a relationship that was based on a "white lie" (that he was single, and didn't live with his children's mother), and more lies and deception were piled on top of that in an attempt to sustain what he and I had....because we felt such passion for each other. Evidently, hot sex and a cosmically spiritual alignment do not a relationship make; the real stuff of life is what he had right at home. His gorgeous children and beautiful wife, a nice house, an extended family with whom he seems to get along.... I have nothing to offer him that could even come close to that. Obviously, the excitement of being adored by someone who didn't have to go home with him and with whom he shared none of life's real responsibilities must have been liberating for a man who felt trapped in a relationship with a woman who has known him long enough and knows him well enough to not be giddy with passion for him any more. Whatever their problems were and/or are, forging a relationship with someone else only adds to the negativity in a relationship that is already under threat of coming to an end. I wish that we could have just been friends instead, because that's what someone needs when they are in a relationship limbo with their spouse, not a fuckbuddy. It is unfortunately too late and I am emotionally too far in to be able to offer him that at this point. His wife has already marked me as a threat to her relationship with her husband, and rightly so. If he had dealt honestly with me, and the natural course of things had led he and his wife to separate, that would be different.... So much hurt has come from the selfishness of this affair/tryst/dance with the devil.... It will take some time before the injured parties can heal and move on. No one deserves to be cheated on, no one deserves to be led into believing that a potential love interest is single when in fact they are not, and no one should feel trapped in a relationship that requires a lifetime of communication. I do not hate Mr. Married Guy....he longs for intimacy the way any other human does. He just needs to be brave and honest about how he goes about getting that. If I compromise my own integrity, I am not worthy of the love I seek. I can only be responsible for myself and my choices from this point on regarding this situation. If he wants to be truly loved, he needs to prove himself worthy of that love by living by the courage of his convictions. How else can anyone trust him enough to love him, and love him enough to give him their trust?