Ugh

The downside to being this close to Mr. Magic, is that he is close enough to me to hurt me.  I don't enjoy our close times any more, because I am afraid of how far it is to plummet when things go wrong.  I'm afraid to feel as high as he used to make me feel....I'm too scared to relax and enjoy our romantic times. 
I know that times are not always going to be great, but we've hit some bumps and I'm shaken up. 
I don't want to feel like this about him....like I need to forget about him when we are apart, and zone out when we are together.
I don't like being "the woman" in a relationship.  I hate it.  I wish that our genders were reversed....
I want to be physically stronger, and be the one who tends to the emotions of the other, while she gently cradles mine. 
Sometimes I imagine myself as "the man", and Mr. Magic as my female partner.  I love her, and if I hurt her, nothing would be more important to me than putting things right in her heart again. 
If "Magic" were my wife, I would glorify her strengths, and *never* leave her feeling weak.  Lately, Magic has been losing me....I feel as though I am disappointing him.  Then I yearn all the more to be a physically and emotionally stronger and capable person.  A man. 
I would trade every perceived advantage I have as a reportedly pretty female, to be a man.  Because no one has made me feel content in a relationship with them whilst I am cursed with the hormonal inadequacies of a woman.  I bruise way too easily.... I hate this about myself. 
I thought that things were different with Magic, but I have been hurt by him in ways that will alter how close I allow myself to feel with him again. 
I don't want being with a man to be the death of the man in me.  The thought of that makes me angry.