Held

My days are more like 2 cups, one girl Two cups of rum. Every day....from morning, right through the day.... to the beginning of the next day's light Until dreaded Sleep knocks me out to torture me with dreams that feel too real. The sweet embrace of alcohol....always the same....doing it's job and keeping me sane. Predictable and reliable; my best friend....keeper of the truth about the source of my pain. In company good or bad....or alone....I bless my spirit with spirits each day and I am stronger, even though my past is here to stay and the memories I hate never go away. Under the spell of alluring drink I bare more than I could otherwise.... My mind, relaxed and free....my body tricked into believing that I have more energy. Skipping from task to task....floating....sometimes zombie-like....but so long as whatever I need to do gets done.... Providing people with reasons to smile and have fun. Nod when appropriate; focus on the face....provide the right reaction and say what needs to be said.... Just don't imbibe too much, for fear of appearing dead.... This is how I get along with the world, and how the world gets along with me. No chance of navigating this hell without drinking....fuck sobriety. Life is too hard when everything hurts....the mind wanders to past failures and plays each one in a loop.... Then I hate myself and my history and I'm crippled with regret. Alcohol helps me to drag myself on, although I don't ever forget. It helps me to continue because I must.... It also helps me to feign normalcy and trust. When sober, I'm afraid of love and closeness of any kind.... I've been well trained to guard myself fiercely against allowing anyone into the sanctum of my heart, soul and mind. But sweet alcohol aids the flow of feelings....of peace and of sex.... Sufficiently detached so I can handle whatever comes next. Detached, yet more a part of things had I not been drinking.... Aware I can control the emotions that cloud my thinking. Able to live with the things I hate about the world and other people and myself. Able to put doubt and fear up on an invisible shelf. Unhindered by intrusive thoughts of wrongful deeds done to me....and worse; of deeds I've done. Now filled with the comforting calm of alcohol.... Every limb calm....breathing slowed.... My day has now begun. I can be me....the me I want to be....not the versions of me I can't stand. I can go ahead with each duty that lays before me as planned. Topping up as the day goes on to prevent wretchedness from seeping in.... Rationing my supply and abating my legion of problems within. My inner demons, bad and good, clamor less....or at least, not as loud.... And I can find my way through the ether of my day, held by inebriation's sweet and foggy cloud.

It's About That Time

We had a blast....we had good times

We made memories that could make the devil blush

We didn't match....but we didn't care

It was fun to shoot the shit with you all night

But as time went on....I knew the day would come

When I had to face the truth....we couldn't be.

We broke up..but held on..to love's frayed and tattered strings

But it's over, baby..I want you to set me free.

We were weird....no one understood

What you saw in me and what I saw in you

But when we were alone.. the night was ours

No one judging us..just you, me and the stars.

But the truth was there..any fool could see it coming

Glaring differences would mean we had to part

Why prolong the pain of breaking up?

It's over, baby..I need to set you free.

It was good, but no.... I mean it when I say "no more!"

It's about that time to bury whatever's left

No more "final times", because they always led to another....

No! I mean it, baby..I need you to set me free!

We need to set each other free....

It's about that time....

No more....

Goodbye.

Snorting Tylenol Whuuuuttt????!

(From the website Drugs.com) http://www.drugs.com/forum/general/effects-snorting-tylenol-advil-anyone-know-36883.html Panamarod said:09-17-2006 10:01 PM quote:Originally posted by rc2632Obviously we are going to punish him and separate him from the morons who are doing this. What I want to know is, what effect does snorting an analgesic have on the body? Do you get high? Numb? Anyone know?It burns the ever-loving-**** out of your nose and nothing more. I do have a suggestion, having gone through the drug thing with my parents. Don't distance yourself from your child by talking down him and don't try to control every facet of his life, that will only push him further and further away. It's parental instinct to want to direct him in the right way, but take a dog for instance. If you push a dog that's standing up, it's only natural for the dog to lean against your pressure. The same goes for the cocky confidence of adolescents. My parents strong armed me and it did nothing. I started warming up to them when they actually started 'caring' about what I was doing, instead of being afraid of what I was doing. You may say things to your son that make you both feel akward. Why is my mom/dad saying this to me, why aren't they pissed? Why didn't my son get irrate when I mentioned that? Trust me, if your kid is doing something illegal, he knows he is. And he expects you to punish him if you find out about it. Try surprising him. Be creative, don't just take a belt to him or slap him on the wrist and be pissed. Be curious and understanding. There are tons of parents out there who chastise their children and in a fearful panic say things they wouldn't otherwise say had the situation not involved drugs. But the sad fact is, drugs are scary and they can completely control a person. But not at first. Not at 14-years old. You kinda have to sit back and laugh... they're snorting tylenol. At least they're not diving right into cocaine or >>>>>>.Don't condone the behavior, but don't demonize it.Rod

..........

I feel as though no one wants to be around me if I'm not inebriated. I didn't realize how difficult this would be. I want to drink again so I don't feel so bad. And everyone I loved when I had a steady flow of liquor in my blood....maybe I didn't really love them (?)....I know for sure that they couldn't have loved, or even *known* me. If they met me for the first time today, I don't know what they'd think. Pretty much everyone I know drinks..but I NEED to. I have to so I can function. I'm not in my right mind right now. But I have to smarten up. This has gone on long enough.

Back & Forth

To and fro....
Insane passion to intense anger
Getting better and worse every time.
Yo-yoing each other's frayed heartstrings and whirling words without thought....
Good and terrible at different times and at once.
Healing and hurting....feeding and starving....
I love you and I hate you....I don't want to be without you; I want you in my life forever....
You sometimes give me hope....you hurl me into despair.
You're so much a part of my being; I can't get away from you....you're everywhere. You love me....you can't stand me.
You raise me up and you throw me down. You say such beautiful things, then you poison my heart....
While my soul screams for freedom, yet not wanting us to part.
Energizing....yet sometimes sapping the will to live....
Love....hate....apathy....and longing to forgive.
Forgiving and then throwing shit in each other's faces
A feigned sense of righteousness....until we put ourselves in each other's places. Love so good, yet sometimes fractious and bad....
The best and the worst experience I've ever had?
Trusting you cautiously....
Love so unbridled yet laiden with conditions....
Grateful for what seems like a new start with you....
Then drowning in regret and contrition. Held so close, I'm almost inside you.... Then pushed so far away that I can't find you.
Reconnecting....stronger each time.... Then disconnecting and punishing for each new crime.
Loving and gripping so tightly, we draw blood....
Then despising and drawing forth bitter tears....and drowning in the immense flood.
Then gripped with longing when we are apart....
Our minds, tormented, with these matters of the heart.
Uncertain about each other.....yet somehow sure
That what we have is a deep and true love, and that we can endure.

Small Grave

Walking slowly down the road Friggen raindrops pouring down Fighting thoughts and a heavy load Pissed about the muddy ground Then I took a look to my right Saw a tiny fresh dug grave.. Cars of the mourners in my sight A life gone, that no one could save. Misery replaced by respect and gratitude Perspective and a better attitude

Own Power

OUR kingdom come; OUR will be done.
This life is all we have; WE THINK, THEREFORE WE ARE!
Bask in our majesty; beauty of life.... Weep at destruction and violence and strife....
Sing praises to yourself....put not yourself down.
You have survived long....in your sorrows do not drown....
You have the power....keep yourself afloat....
You are your own saviour
Worship your autonomy!
Laughter, tears, joy and pain....
Bathe in your own sacred rain.