I'm Going to Wendy's For A Burger.

So I went to the mental health clinic and I must have looked crazy as fuck. They said they couldn't see me because I'd been there before and their policy is that if it's been more than a year that you've seen someone there, you can't see a doctor at the clinic.... you have to go to emergency. Fuck that! Fukketty fuck-fuck!!!!! Between that, and the kid's father taking my boys to my parent's house for a sleepover this weekend, and feeling as though no one remembers how he fucking used to rough me up and cheat on me, and the rent mot being paid by the people who are supposed to be paying directly to the property management, and the foofarah with J & D....I'm a wreck. Fuck. I was hoping to be able to deal with the head-case shit I have going on today. It's already past lunchtime and I feel as though I've got nothing accomplished. I came all this way....I need to deal with this stuff pronto. I'd say "go home and deal with it another day", but *when*? When will I finally be ok? I'm not going to emergency; fuck that. They'll probably strap me down and force feed me pills. That doesn't solve anything. I need to fix my problems, not numb myself to them.

From An Old Post

" If I compromise my own integrity, I am not worthy of the love I seek." These are my own words....how could I have become so foolish as to have forgotten what I had learned? I've been cheated on, been the "other woman", and been the cheater. I am supposing that now my next step is to learn about empathy and forgiveness, because I sure as hell need both and feel as though I deserve neither. http://veronicaleonid.blogspot.ca/2013/02/i-cant-stand-lack-of-contact-and.html?m=1

Destroy And Rebuild

Everything fucking hurts, and it's killing me to walk away from the mess I've made. I can't stop feeling the weight of the guilt.....But I have to move on from here and commit to being a better person. How do I do that knowing the pain I've caused another person? I really disappointed myself, because the person I was when I was able to cheat and put effort into acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened is NOT the person I wanted to be. I'm teetering between thoughts of suicide and putting every scrap of energy I have into taking steps toward being a better person. Thoughts of my responsibility to my kids forces me to shun the idea of killing myself....if not for them, I'd do it because I'm tired of carrying the weight of the pain from my past, as well as the guilt of breaking someone's heart. This camel's back can only carry so many straws. I can't look anywhere or go anywhere or hear anything without being reminded of the hope I felt that maybe J could be what they call "the one".. he had faults.. I should have been compassionate and put energy into helping him heal instead of running away from the challenge like a frightened child. I had hoped that in time, I'd lose all affection for D....I shouldn't have given in....I should have steered clear. Now every day is "woulda shoulda coulda"....I know what I did wrong; I'll never ever make this mistake again. People's hearts are fragile ..as was mine when I felt this same stab of betrayal years ago. I worry about J all the time. I feel like I should stab myself because of how badly I hurt him. I fell so shockingly far beneath my own standards. I don't like who I became, but I don't have to stay that way. I've already moved from that mindset....I shocked myself into changing. I'm glad that the version of me that was callous and deceptive is morphing into something else. I broke myself; now it's time to fix myself. This fragmented personality thing is no joke....I need to figure out what to do so that I can function around other people with less difficulty.

A Thought

We're all primal, nervous-reaction oriented skinbags with the capacity to love and hate with awesome ferocity. The intensity of both extremes terrify me sometimes. I'm afraid of my intense anger....I'm afraid of losing myself completely in love again.

See You Again

I miss you....

I keep thinking of you....

You made an impression

That is still so strong.

I wish you were here

Recreating the memories

That run through my mind....

The way you looked at me,

The way that you smiled,

The way you'd make love....

You'd last a while!

I'd give anything

To relive those memories

And see you again.

You always smelled good....

You kissed me so nice....

Whenever you touched me,

My skin came alive....

I wish I had treasured

The time that we had

More than I did;

Oh, but I did you wrong....

Now I'm here without you....

Daydreaming about you....

And writing song after song after song....

Of all my life's loves,

You were the best....

From the torment of missing you

There is no rest....

Johnny I'm dying....

And I need to stop trying

To see you again.

We've said goodbye;

Can't go there any more.

But I'd like you to take me

Right here on the floor!

Slide up inside me,

And I'll go down....

We'll make so much noise....

Wake everybody in town....

The way that we used to

When we were together

And you were my thing....

Wait....I'm shaking my head....

I'm no longer your girl....

But I'd give anything....everything in the world

To lay down beside you

To live out my dreams of you

And be with you again.

Get Up

This song....word for fucking word....

I am clearly broken and no one knows what to do

Pieces of the puzzle don't fit, so, I pound them into you

Itching is the pulse inside

Creeping out to come alive

It's just doing what it's gonna do

Times are looking grim these days

Holding on to everything

It's hard to draw the line

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

I can't wait to rip my eyes out and look at you

Peace through pain is precious especially when it's done by you

Itching is the pulse inside

Creeping out to come alive

It's just doing what it's gonna do

Times are looking grim these days

Holding on to everything

It's hard to draw the line

And I'm, I'm hiding in this empty space

Tortured by my memories of what I've left behind

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Times are looking grim these days

Holding on to everything

It's hard to draw the line

And I'm, I'm hiding in this empty space

Tortured by my memories of what I've left behind

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up!

Shut the fuck up! Get up! http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hh1eyCbXvjs

Him

Driving through his neighbourhood was something....drove right by his building and the 24hr Sobey's and a store called "Janney's something-or-other", which I mistakenly thought said "Johnny's"....and a print shop named "RohnRose"....too many coincidences for one night; I went out tonight to try to forget about him and the opposite happened. L my effing a o. I miss Johnny; my body still reacts to thoughts of him. No one else....just him. Not even Tom Hiddleston. No one! This is new. Before this fuckscapade, I could react to former crushes and loves if I thought sexy thoughts about them; now, I only want one person. And I can't have him. Moving along....there are bigger problems in the world than this.