You said you had a problem with letting go; I do as well. I suspect that you might see this part of me in yourself. We both feel very deeply and are both extremely emotional and vulnerable. I see this in you and I'm weak before it, because I've never known a man to be so strong yet so gentle. I honestly didn't believe that such men existed in real life. That said, you also have the ability to hurt my feelings by using my own against me. I don't enjoy emotional warfare.
I needed to trim loose ends and didn't want to discuss that with you because it would just be something else for you to worry about and possibly throw in my face. I had hoped that once the loose ends were gone, I could focus on you and that we'd be ok.
You spat an "apology" at me last night as an example of what one was....thanks; I had no idea. You said you didn't want to hear any more of my apologies, and quite frankly, I'm tired of giving them.
Monday, 8 December 2014
Scmmurasf
No more life
The unsettling feeling in my stomach all day....just way too much anxiety today. Unable to focus and every thought I have leads me back to him.
This level of anxiety is intolerable..I should see a doctor.
I hate myself so much. I HATE being me. Anytime something happens on my phone, my guts stretch, pull and turn inside of me because I think I might be getting a message from him. It hasn't even been a day and I feel as though a piece of me has been amputated. I really do hate myself.
I hate feeling things....fuck them. I just don't want to feel anything. I'm in a dark place and I'm not even afraid to be here. It just feels like this is where I belong. I've done the worst things ..I never wanted to be this sort of person. I feel stupid. I don't understand anything. I don't want to see or hear anything else. I have been the victim of idiots and I have victimized people with my own idiocy. I won't take my life this close to my son's birthday; I need to pick a suitable date and time. I already know where, I'm just not sure how. I can't believe I'm researching this. Yes I can.
But what I really wanted to say was....
I'm going to die if I can't be near you. I love you and don't want to lose you. I'm insanely sad and can't handle my feelings right now. I'm overwhelmed and just don't want to live any more if there's an absence of you every day for the rest of my life. I'm unaware of what's going on around me. I don't want to be a part of anything any more and would welcome an escape from this hell I've created.
Love's Atrophy
Eyes wide..beholding a lot of nothing.
Heart in the grasp of icy ambivalence
Removed from experience
The spirit, now a vagabond in love's absence.
No sound....nothing....and love dies in my hands.
No skill to revive its fragile beauty
I silently accept its choking end.
