Agoraphobia

If I step outside, please don't hate me If I step outside, please don't bring up my past. If the ground beneath me fails to swallow me, don't stare at my imperfection.. I know I'm ugly..inside and out.. just please don't point that out.

The More You Know....

This is about vaginal soreness after sex. Useful info.... http://www.empowher.com/sex-amp-relationships/content/soreness-after-sex-how-avoid-it

Tea

I had tea before bed tonight and I don't feel awful..I hate drinking so much. Well....I don't hate it....I just wish I didn't drink as much as I do because I feel like I need to. Alcohol helps me a lot .... I need to get some sleep now

Counselling

That went ok today.....it's important to get help when you need it:3

Whip

I whip myself with the chain you gave me Crazy, yes, but I need to feel And I need to satisfy the need to feel the pain on my skin To know that everything is real.

4

For science! ....I did 4 lines of coke, and don't feel anything. Popped my coke cherry....I was expecting to feel good or something, but I guess I'm immune to shit like that:/ I just wanted to understand him a bit more....it was really no big deal; kind of a waste. I'm glad it wasn't my money that was wasted.... Off to bed I go.

Illusions

As long as I can maintain illusions, I can navigate the world. But....if anything shatters those illusions, I have to navigate as my true self and hope to dog that who I am is ok with the rest of the world. The real me can be very difficult to accept, especially since I am nutty as a fruitcake. I change throughout the day depending on which version of myself needs to be at the forefront. So one part of me can decide something, but unless the rest of me agrees, there can be chaos....I'll forget or disregard decisions one part of me has made because I am always changing. It's frustrating....for me and for the people in my life. I need to try to be in control of myself (myselves). I need to strengthen up so that I can get through life together....without leaving any of my selves behind, but with the understanding that the part of me best suited to make any given decision should be respected by the rest of me. People who are close enough to me to pick up on my "indecisiveness" see me as wishy-washy....they don't understand that who I am might be fighting with myself....arguing with another part of myself because the version of me that is present doesn't agree with something I've said or done ....I need time to confer with myself before making choices and sometimes it's crippling because time moves so quickly and I need to pause so that I can be sure within myself that I (all of me) agrees with a decision. Even simple choices like what to eat, what to wear (that usually takes super long), going shopping for ....well, anything, can be so crippling. I (we) thrive on predictability; when outside influences upset that, there's chaos in me. I wish everyone in the world understood....but very few people do. And it's too difficult to explain and difficult for people who know nothing about this sort of thing to understand. So I need to present illusions so that people have an idea of how to relate to me. This may seem dishonest....it is to a certain degree....but how much time do people really have to allow me to explain myselves and how much time do normal people give before forming a first impression of others? What always ends up happening is that after a while I am seen as an indecisive and dishonest person. But I'm afraid that if people knew the mees inside, they wouldn't stick with me as a whole and I'd be alone. Silly that, because I'm alone anyway, and after experiencing me, (us), I end up alone anyway:1 Very silly. I just don't want to have my opinions and decisions discounted if it's known that I struggle with this misunderstood aspect of who I am.