Yeeeeaaahhhhh....no.

Running from my own thoughts is more exhausting than actually running. There's nowhere to go, so I can stop and take a rest, and there's no end to it. My thoughts drag me everywhere. Exhausting as that is though, thinking is better than not thinking and merely acting on impulse. Why am I even putting this on here, who gives a fuck what I think lmao....

Aftermath

I feel so sorry I can't breathe.... There's no one to blame but myself

Dust yet unsettled....falls toward the ground....surrounding us with the aftermath of my carelessness.

I try to walk toward you ....tripping on broken heart's debris.....

Jagged edges ....cutting and causing pain ....I get up and try heading towards you again.

I could abandon this trek, abandon this place and this love for you.... I could avoid ever being cut apart by the jagged shards of our broken hearts ....I just don't.... because I love you.

I see your silhouette in a cloud of dust.... How could I cause the explosion that destroyed your happy place?.... Smouldering and covered in ash....I make out a look of disbelief on your still beautiful face....my dearest silhouette....becoming my light.... drawing me near.

I can't get close to you fast enough....damn the debris on the ground and the thick clouds of dust that slow my pace.... Yet I try not to crush anything that lays beneath my feet in case you want to rebuild....I pray to the Universe that you do.... Finally before you, I see the effects of what I've done....all over your body....your beautiful, beautiful face....

Covered in ash and dirt ....spattered with the blood of your sweet heart....how can I continue to live with what I've done? I search you for forgiveness ....a gift I know I don't deserve.

At this moment, I tell myself, "Look what I've done!"....I ask myself, "Can any of this be rebuilt? How can I prevent this mess from ever happening again? ....should I just take my own life?....will you take it from me?.... What will ease the pain I have caused....tidy up the mess I have created? How can I repair and heal the people whose hearts I have maimed?"

I decide to sacrifice myself....I don't deserve another chance. And to be honest....I'm tired of living....exhausted from trying to make peace with myself and all others around me....but mainly with myself.... I can't live with me after what I've done to you.

From between your lips come words of peace....your voice, a melody that at once blesses and chokes me....my arrested heart fails to keep me strong. This is judgement I have earned and brought upon myself. I accept my fate in silence ....fading into the vapours of your memories of me.

You are the last thing I experience of this world before passing into the next....

My empty shell....all but left.

More Ugh

See these scars? They represent The turmoil in my life....pain and resentment. Hatred and anger taken out on my skin Always the result of letting outsiders in. Fear of death....yet hatred of living.... Dying for love, yet tired of giving. Tired, maybe because I just can't do it My personality is just not strong enough to see me through it. Lamenting the me that I used to be.... Brimming with hope and positivity

Balls Of Blue.

Take me to heaven..cast me back into hell

A familiar place I know so well.

Frequent flyer miles on this ride

I cashed them in when you cast me aside.

Everything so familiar; it's always the same....

Yet knowing what to expect, I always join the game

Each time hoping for a better end.

Insanity at it's finest....yet so easy to pretend

That things could be different the next time around

I've become an expert at hurtling to the ground.

"But you're so beautiful! ", people say

They've got no fucking clue, do they.

I'd trade my body and my face

For permanence and stability, so I can land on a soft place....

For a heart with whom I could safely intertwine....

For a soul that truly understood mine.

But every fucking time, this Russian roulette

Ends with me crying and wanting to forget

Mistakes made and chances taken

....it's long past time for my soul to awaken....

Realize it will always be this way....

And if I don't like the game, I just shouldn't play.

Editing My Speech (Mother Issues)

Maybe I shouldn't say that my mother is wicked and evil..she's had damage done too. It's like killing or at least hurting myself when I think of her. I wish she was sorry about everything because the parts of me that are so similar to her miss the beautiful things about her. I should probably start by talking to my dad because I miss him too. But I'm still so hurt by the things they said and did and I'm not sure if they'll ever change their opinion of me. Years worth of hurt ..well into adulthood.. I'm fighting with myself about this. Marsha's afraid of being hurt by them again because she's known them the longest. Rose is tired of being slapped emotionally by them and having to protect Marsha. Veronica is angry and would like to punch the living daylights out of my mother....she'd probably listen to dad. Ron awaits further instructions and the New part of me that is trying to negotiate everything between myselves is trying to convince us all to go in a new direction and be forgiving, the same way we've all been hoping to be forgiven by J. Side thought....maybe I should learn to see "god" as a concept, the same way as I see Lucifer. I've been fighting so hard to wash the christian out of me that I failed to keep the good things I learned from that religion. I'm still angry because of the hurtful things that have been done in the name of god/christianity though. Anyway, we started by thinking of my mother. I'd probably like to make peace with her, buy her flowers, bake and cook with her, hear her laugh and rest on her chest. I just don't ever want to feel the type of pain she caused me ever again. And she'd probably never accept who I am. I'd like to know why she did the things she's done....I'd love to accept any effort on her part to make those things right. It's been a year and a half though..I guess we're all used to the separation and I should probably leave well enough alone. Welp....that's the end of that emotional yo-yo....

Damn

I Little Dutch Boyed my feelings yesterday as best as I could, but then things got to a point where I just couldn't any more.

Pretty Bird

Who knows what this bird is going through; I bet he/she hears that he/she is beautiful all the time....in languages he/she can't understand. I think that this bird is a type of heron.