Editing My Speech (Mother Issues)

Maybe I shouldn't say that my mother is wicked and evil..she's had damage done too. It's like killing or at least hurting myself when I think of her. I wish she was sorry about everything because the parts of me that are so similar to her miss the beautiful things about her. I should probably start by talking to my dad because I miss him too. But I'm still so hurt by the things they said and did and I'm not sure if they'll ever change their opinion of me. Years worth of hurt ..well into adulthood.. I'm fighting with myself about this. Marsha's afraid of being hurt by them again because she's known them the longest. Rose is tired of being slapped emotionally by them and having to protect Marsha. Veronica is angry and would like to punch the living daylights out of my mother....she'd probably listen to dad. Ron awaits further instructions and the New part of me that is trying to negotiate everything between myselves is trying to convince us all to go in a new direction and be forgiving, the same way we've all been hoping to be forgiven by J. Side thought....maybe I should learn to see "god" as a concept, the same way as I see Lucifer. I've been fighting so hard to wash the christian out of me that I failed to keep the good things I learned from that religion. I'm still angry because of the hurtful things that have been done in the name of god/christianity though. Anyway, we started by thinking of my mother. I'd probably like to make peace with her, buy her flowers, bake and cook with her, hear her laugh and rest on her chest. I just don't ever want to feel the type of pain she caused me ever again. And she'd probably never accept who I am. I'd like to know why she did the things she's done....I'd love to accept any effort on her part to make those things right. It's been a year and a half though..I guess we're all used to the separation and I should probably leave well enough alone. Welp....that's the end of that emotional yo-yo....

Damn

I Little Dutch Boyed my feelings yesterday as best as I could, but then things got to a point where I just couldn't any more.

Pretty Bird

Who knows what this bird is going through; I bet he/she hears that he/she is beautiful all the time....in languages he/she can't understand. I think that this bird is a type of heron.

Hearts

Mistakes made....lessons learned

Hearts broken....bridges burned.

Life lived....love lost

Dues paid at a very high cost.

Skin bleeding....scars formed

New love found....heart rewarmed.

Memories haunting.....tears cried

Music healing the love that died.

Feelings mixed....a broken heart

Fate accepted.....a new start.

Yearning for peace....fighting to live

New chapters....more love to give....

Still alive....facing new days

Learning new, healthier ways

Embracing demons....forgiving self

Thoughts of dying placed on a shelf.

Surviving me....lamenting you

Endless torture I need to work through.

Moments fleeting.....life goes on yet....

Episodes weathered....still willing to bet

For love is so precious, and so dear

I'll give life another chance for another year.

Who knows what else life will bring

More reasons to live and more reasons to sing?..

Never forgetting the pain I live....

The pain I've caused and the love I give.

The life I've made is the life in me

While my demons keep me company.

Life is heaven and also hell

A lesson I learned the hard way so well!

Hoping the best.....setting you free

Creating peace with the demons in me.

Looking forward....occasionally back

Emotional debris....tossed in a sack.

Shooting a flare of love in the air

Hearts healing and taking better care.

Article On Forgiveness

From this website: http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-do-you-forgive-yourself/00016908

Did your actions reflect your true values? If not, trace your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions that led to your actions. Think about what may have led you to abandon your values. Notice that you hurt yourself when you violate your values. This actually causes more harm than disappointing someone else.How did your actions affect you and others? Whom did you hurt? Include yourself on the list.Think of ways to make amends. Take the action, and make them. For example, if the person is dead, you can write a letter of apology. You can also decide to act differently in the future.

.......

Would you forgive someone else for the same actions? Why would you treat yourself differently? How does it benefit you to continue to punish yourself?Remorse is healthy and leads to corrective action. Think about what you’ve learned from your experience and how you might act differently today.Write yourself an empathic letter of understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness.Repeat on a daily basis words of kindness and forgiveness from your letter, such as, “I’m innocent,” “I forgive myself,” and “I love myself.”Share honestly with others what you did. Don’t share with those who might judge you. If appropriate, talk about what happened in a 12-Step group. Secrecy prolongs guilt and shame.

I'm Going to Wendy's For A Burger.

So I went to the mental health clinic and I must have looked crazy as fuck. They said they couldn't see me because I'd been there before and their policy is that if it's been more than a year that you've seen someone there, you can't see a doctor at the clinic.... you have to go to emergency. Fuck that! Fukketty fuck-fuck!!!!! Between that, and the kid's father taking my boys to my parent's house for a sleepover this weekend, and feeling as though no one remembers how he fucking used to rough me up and cheat on me, and the rent mot being paid by the people who are supposed to be paying directly to the property management, and the foofarah with J & D....I'm a wreck. Fuck. I was hoping to be able to deal with the head-case shit I have going on today. It's already past lunchtime and I feel as though I've got nothing accomplished. I came all this way....I need to deal with this stuff pronto. I'd say "go home and deal with it another day", but *when*? When will I finally be ok? I'm not going to emergency; fuck that. They'll probably strap me down and force feed me pills. That doesn't solve anything. I need to fix my problems, not numb myself to them.

From An Old Post

" If I compromise my own integrity, I am not worthy of the love I seek." These are my own words....how could I have become so foolish as to have forgotten what I had learned? I've been cheated on, been the "other woman", and been the cheater. I am supposing that now my next step is to learn about empathy and forgiveness, because I sure as hell need both and feel as though I deserve neither. http://veronicaleonid.blogspot.ca/2013/02/i-cant-stand-lack-of-contact-and.html?m=1